Clay

It's been a while, an uninspired while, either that or a time of extreme avoidance...perhaps both. Well, here goes...

I took a ceramics class in high school... we dealt with clay a lot... shocker huh? It was a fun class, totally not my calling in life though. Trying to form a block of this soft gray stuff into the object that I picture in my head merely by using my hands quickly proved to be impossible. My pots always seemed to be lopsided, my attempts at creating something that even remotely resembled the desired outcome failed entirely. Luckily, we were not graded on skill but rather the knowledge of the techniques used to get there. I remember one assignment, was to make a whistle. As such, if your whistle did not whistle...YOU FAIL. Of course with my amazing skills, I was the last person in the class to get mine to whistle, it took like two weeks of trying, The teacher even tried, but failed a number of times. I eventually got it to whistle, though I don't know how, and I managed not to fail the easiest course known to man... Yay me. I still have the whistle to, I made it into a turtle, though it hardly looks like one. I found it the other day while cleaning my room, it made me happy. (Yes, I saved it. I figured, if it took me so long to get it to work the least I could do is save it, if for no other reason then to boast about it.)

Now, this little story has little to do with my point in this post, but I thought it would be a nice seque into my thoughts... Currently, I have this pain in my chest, in my heart... (by currently I mean in this instant, not constantly). I believe it's there out of shame, guilt, perhaps even a little fear. I will explain this shortly, but first I want to share my thoughts on clay. Isaiah 64:8 states "We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." Now, I'm sure many of you have heard this verse or some variation of it before, so I'm just gonna tell you what it means to me at the moment...

Society thrusts a mold upon us; it dictates to us how we should live our lives. It places constrictions, it places desires, it places an ideal lifestyle before us. When I think of a "mold of society," I think of the cookie-cutter houses we see in Gilbert and pretty much any and every suburban city; I think of the need to always have the next up-and-coming car model, the big screen TV, the granite countertops in your state-of-the-art kitchen with updated tile floors; I think of the desire to be accepted in your community as the perfect family with the seemingly happy marriage, with the 2.35 children, and the pet dog to round out the equation; I think of the housewife (or more working mother these days) with the manicured fingernails and the highlighted hair getting dressed up just to pick up her kids from school because of this need of acceptance amongst other moms...If we, human beings, are the clay, this is the mold I am talking about, the world's view of happiness all packed down into a "perfect" preconstructed scenario. Unfortunately, this is a people-made idea of life based solely on how we relate to others and how we are perceived by others, and since we are screwed up humans, this mold of society is bound to fail. What good is that nice, big suburban house if you aren't available to share it with your family because you work too much so you can pay it off? What good is the next best thing if you are only content with it for a brief period of time before something "better" comes along? Why try to look like the perfect family on the outside when you are tearing it apart on the inside? Why try to find acceptance in the world of soccer moms if you have to cover up who really are to try to fit in? This worldy form seems to be filled with deception and greed and false hope, and it's not the way we were meant to live our lives, it's not the reason God created us. We are clay, so easily moved and crafted yet so easily (and painfully) hardened by the furnace of this world.

Instead we should let ourselves be molded and crafted in God's hands, to be created into His beautiful masterpiece. Jeremiah 18:6 "'Oh house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?' declares the Lord. 'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand...'" The majesty of the Lord is that He is constantly present in our lives, shaping us into the person He plans for us to be according to His will and purpose. If we seek after Him, He will not let us dry out as clay does if left unattended, He will provide us with the water we need to continue to move in His hands, He will make us whistle, He will not let us become lopsided pots on a spinning wheel. "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" Ephesians 2:10. He has a plan for our lives, we just need to let go of our desires to adhere to the impression of this world, let go of our desires to do this on our own and just give our lives away. We need to accept that we suck in ceramics class and just find the peace that God will bring in knowing that our lives are His and in His hands. So we need to embrace change because He is constantly changing us until that final day when we are with Him and His work on us is completely the masterpiece He creates.

Now, here is where my shame comes in... I want to apologize to anyone who will accept my apology. I have been insincere in my actions, in my pursuit of growing in my faith. I have been trying to fit this mold of what I thought was a good Christian, but it's been all about me, all about saying the 'right' thing and doing the 'right' thing. But if it's not rooted in the Word, not done with the right intentions in my heart, it's meaningless. I really wanted this semester to grow in my faith after being inspired by this verse that I can't seem to find the reference of, I want to say Colossians 1 something, but idk (shows how much it stuck right?) Anyway, I remember the words "continue to grow in knowledge and in truth." This was my goal this semester and I completely went about it the wrong way. Like the worldly mold, it has been people-based, in some instances self-based. Basically, I was looking to tangible things for growth, not Godly things. I don't think it was completely a waste, I have had some really amazing conversations with God and have been at some comfortable places with my faith, but it has been so unstable and weak. So my goal this semester is that same, but I want it to be genuine, Christ-centered and rooted in the Word. I want to once and for all let go of myself and my dependance on this world and truly let God work in my life and create and shape me into His masterpiece. I mean, I've said it a million times, but never really knew how to pursue it and act upon it. This is where the fear comes in...it's fear that is holding me back, the fear of letting go. So I pray that you can accept my apology and forgive me for my insincerity, I know God has. I also pray that you all can take this challenge with me, to break away from the stiffness of society's mold and fully be moveable in God's hands...Here goes!

Coffee!

Ok this is just a short and sweet revelation I had today... Sometimes my relationship with God is like my relationship with coffee... So if you don't know me, I like coffee, not only that... if I don't have coffee in the morning, I don't function. There for I guess it would be safe to say that I need coffee daily. However, sometimes I get caught up in the need and the habit of drinking coffee that I forget to enjoy it; it just becomes another part of my day or just something to keep me going... Now this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can be. You see, today I had a cup of coffee, aside from the ordinary morning coffee, just to enjoy it...

Now here I see this in my relationship with Jesus, sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the habit of it rather than the joy. It's easy to just go to church, occasionally read my Bible, but not experience the joy that comes with it. I try to find the joy in God every time I pray, because otherwise I feel fake. And, like coffee, I depend on God for my survival (clearly God is more important than coffee though, i could live without coffee if it was absolutely necessary). But like I said, I want to enjoy God and feel His presence every time I pray or go to church or just all the time in my life, I never want to feel like it's a habit, like my actions were in vain...

Last thing I promise, I also wonder what my motive for drinking coffee is... Is it the delicious taste or the remarkable ability that caffeine gives me to stay up in the wee hours of the morning? This 'side effect', I'll cal it, is an added bonus, but it should not be the only reason I drink it. I should drink coffee to experience the scrumptious taste and thirst quenching abilities it has, not just the side effects... Like this, we should go to church for the pure joy and thirst quenching abilities of Christ. Yes, the community (yay for Ember!) could be a plus or a 'side effect' but that should not be our sole purpose of going...

That is all, yay for coffee!

ehhh

So I had/have a post in the works. I was extremely inspired over the weekend, but I didn't write it soon enough... My mood went from super high over the weekend, to a very ehh mood during the week. I feel like it would be insincere if I continued to write it now since my heart isn't in it... and I cannot stand people who are not genuine so I feel it would be a disservice to you all who read this to write if my heart isn't in it... So please pray for me, my mood and heart have been off this week. Ironically right when I could use God's presence, I turn away. Not that I haven't tried to let Him in, it just doesn't seem genuine in my heart... Idk its a weird feeling so please pray for me...thanks

Miss Melinda :)

Disclaimer: I realize this is the 3rd time this week that I've written... It might be excessive but at least I'm doing something! (And avoiding other things...)

There is an awesome lady who came to my mind this morning… She is my mom’s best friend and I know her as Miss Melinda. She is one of the most caring, loving, and fun people I know and has a personality the size of Alaska! (Haha that is a bad description.. point is her personality is huge and infectious!)

Anyway, when she visited this past summer, I got a chance to really hang out and talk with her. Before then, she was just known to me as my mom’s best friend and a nice lady who would visit us and who we would visit occasionally. It wasn’t until this trip though that I got to see the great heart she has for people. Not only does she have a giving heart, but she has such an encouraging heart as well. I see this through her stories of the kids she works with (she teaches high school English). She has such a great heart for teaching and encouraging students; they seem to really love her and I can see the love she has for them and the desire she has for them to succeed. I remember one story of a previous student she had who is currently in prison. She told me that she still corresponds with him and that he is an encouragement to others in prison. To know that she can encourage someone who then encourages others, it just shows how much of a difference she makes in peoples’ lives. She is also such a giving person, not only of her money but her time. During the week she was with us, she had a number of projects in the works; most were buying old pieces of furniture from goodwill and refurbishing them. She took her vacation time to help me and my family on these projects… Not only that, but Miss Melinda cared for my mom after she had surgery. Ultimately, if you knew Miss Melinda or even just had one conversation with her, you could see her joyous and loving heart shine through, and this joy is in fact infectious. Just thinking about her puts a smile on my heart. (Ok I realize this doesn’t fully explain what I’m trying to say… basically she’s awesome!)

One thing that stuck with me is this quote from her “Don’t love others in the way that you want to love them, love them in the way they need to be loved”. When she said this (in her cute Southern accent no less), it was like a “duh” moment. So many times we show love when WE want to show it and how WE want to show it, but what we should be doing is loving when OTHERS need it and in the way OTHERS need it. After all, that’s what love is about isn’t it? It is, or should be, something outside of ourselves, it’s our recognition that we need to think of someone other than ourselves for once. True love is unselfish, it even says it in the Bible (1 Cor. 13:5, “it is not self-seeking”). So when we love people, we need to take into consideration their needs instead of our own. This is so hard for me cuz so often I am stuck in my own little world (I call it “Lisa Land”) and am unable to see the big picture and the true need for love. Hopefully I can take this into consideration constantly when dealing with friends or even strangers.

To Miss Melinda, thank you so much for being you! The love you have for God and people seriously shows through, so I pray that God will continue to work in your life and that you may know what an inspiration you are to people. If I can turn out to be half the person you are, I know I will live a fulfilling life. So once again, thank you and I love you and hope that all is well in South Carolina!

Solid!

“We’re adults… When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?”
This is an epic quote from Grey’s Anatomy back in its glory days, around season 1 or 2. Well, at least I think its epic, I think a friend even sent me a piece of flair on facebook of this quote… it’s just THAT cool…

Anyways, do you ever just think back to an easier time when the extent of your drama was who got to sit in the front seat or who got to play with the best Barbie? It’s a time when you could play for hours with your friends on the playground of trampoline immersed in this exciting land or story full of games and the idea that you could be anyone you wanted to be…. this land of make believe. I get a taste of it every so often when I watch the kids at my job. The other day I was a pokemon fighting off an evil batman on the trampoline getting hit by a huge ball with pretend metal spikes on it. What a simple, typically fun-filled time in life childhood is… I see the boys reaching big milestones in life like tying their shoes and riding a bike on two wheels. Ahhh the beauty of childhood…

I remember though there comes a point when you grow out of it. The land full of imagination now becomes a land of reality. The times of inviting friends over to “play” become invitations to “hang out.” I think this tends to happen around junior high, I don’t know what brings us to it, maybe the new complexity of our school schedule or the beginnings of puberty. I do remember, however, my friends and I had one last “hurrah” I guess. It was me, my sister, my friend, and her older brothers. Me and my friend were just at the transitioning stage, but my sister and the boys were much older like in junior high. We play a super intense game of army at night. It was a good ending to our childhood. This is when responsibility and reality set it and things started to matter. The days of the milestones were over and now every decision you made seemed to begin to shape you into the person you are today.

I think it’s like this in our spiritual lives… no in fact I know it’s like this in our spiritual lives. There comes a point when we stop learning the basics and start learning to live it. When we grow from the AWANA definitions (i.e. grace is “something we don’t deserve” or the gospel is “the Good News”) to doing justice and submitting all that we are to His will. It all comes down to milk or solid food… Hebrews 5:13-6:1“Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil. Therefore, let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity…”

I think the Phil Wickham song The Time is Now pretty much describes what I’m feeling….

“You’ve learned every song, memorized the verse,

Took the bread and wine,

and even bought the shirt,

It’s time.
It’s time to hold your shield,

It’s time to draw your sword,

Let’s lead the resistance,Oh Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord,

it’s time.

Yeah it’s time.

The time is now, for lifting souls.

The time is now, for letting go.

From your skin, to your core.

Let light, and love, come rushing through the door.”

The first section of this song is something I’ve really been struggling with… I’ve grown up in the church learned the songs, verses, etc. but it’s just hitting me what they mean and at times, I become numb to the words I’ve been taught for so long. I even tend to get a somewhat pompous attitude toward certain things that I’ve heard many times… I think oh I’ve heard this a lot, it doesn’t pertain to me, I can tune this out… but I shouldn’t, especially when I don’t take the time to fully appreciate what it means. Words like grace, Lord, Hosanna, Hallelujah… I’m gonna take the time now to reflect and explore the true meaning (FYI I am aware that this will be a super long post but my hope is you all will continue reading…) All definitions are from the dictionary:

Grace: “A favor rendered by one who need not do so”

It is so much more than that though, yes we are undeserving, yes God gave us grace, but the magnitude of grace is something I’ve been trying to understand but can’t, it’s just so powerful… The amount of love required, the pureness in which God’s grace is given is unfathomable to the flawed human consciousness. I think all of our actions are tainted with some sort of selfish motive, whether we like it or not it’s true. But God, His grace is so pure so far from selfishness it’s… um the only way that I can even attempt to explain is that every time I try to wrap my head around it I get this overwhelming sense of peace that rushes over my body. It’s a peace in knowing that I’m not meant to comprehend it, in knowing that God’s love for me to is so huge that I can’t explain it… Now I realize this does not explain grace very well, but I just want you know that it’s so much more than a clear cut definition…

Lord: “a person who has authority, control, or power over others; a master, chief, or ruler”

Yes this is true of God, He is in control of our lives, He does have a plan, but I think this definition or at least the words in this definition have a negative connotation in our lives… authority, control, power; they are all qualities that we want to have for ourselves and the recognition of these qualities in some other being require us to let go of our selfish tendencies and fully submit to someone other than ourselves… which I don’t know about you but I fail miserably at. Society tells us we need to be independent and rely on no one but ourselves, so this makes it hard to recognize Jesus as our “Lord.” When we say this word, we should say it in complete awe and adoration for God. We need to say this out of respect and insodoing we will fully submit to Him. With this word we become vulnerable to God and acknowledge that we are not our own. Again, I don’t know if I’m explaining this correctly or coherently but when I think about “Lord” another overwhelming feeling comes over me which shows me that the essence of the word is so much more than I can comprehend…

Hosanna: “Originally an appeal for deliverance; used in Christian Church as an ascription of praise, because when Jesus entered Jerusalem this was shouted by Galilean pilgrims in recognition of his messiahhood”

This one has always puzzled me cuz it’s in songs and everything but I’ve never really understood why we say it. I think this definition pretty much sums it up though… the rejoicing of Jesus and His delivering us from our sins… pretty self explanatory, but I just have to remember this when I say and you should too!...

Hallelujah: “a shout of joy, praise, or gratitude”

This again should be an overwhelming feeling… yes all of the words in the definition are appropriate but it’s so much more… Again it’s complete awe and respect and it’s the joy you feel from the complete knowledge of our Savior and again the gratitude… It encompasses everything that the Lord has done and the sheer joy and praise that one cannot help but feel as a result of God’s grace. Again it’s extremely hard to explain and this is the closest I can get but it’s something that I fail to remember and feel so often.


So after that long tangent, it’s one thing to know this stuff and understand the “milk” of our faith, but it’s another thing to feel it and live out the solid food. Like Phil Wickham says, the time is now. I want to live it out, I want to get away from the numbness of these words and feel it and pursue it daily. Now, I don’t know how to go about this, I can’t do it alone, so I need your help… let’s do this together guys! Who’s with me?!

A selfish, greedy, yet grateful heart

Thanksgiving… now I wasn’t going to post on this in order to avoid a cliché, but this was before I got some sense knocked in to me.

Leading up to Thanksgiving Day, I saw it as the opportunity to finally breathe, to be able to relax and not worry whatsoever about school or anything else. It was a destination (to allude back to a previous post), just something to look forward to, some goal to reach. In a sense it was my light at the end of the tunnel. Consequently, I felt numb to all the thoughts or feelings you should feel on thanksgiving. I saw peoples’ statuses or posts about Thanksgiving, asking what are you thankful for? I quickly moved on, not wanting to think of that, not wanting to pause just one second to get out of my little shell and think of the broader picture. Selfishness… that’s what it was. Sadly, and to my own disappointment and guilt, this concept did not come until the following events.

As our family was plotting our Black Friday plan, seeing what strategy would be best to save the most money, my parents got a phone call. Their friend had died, and their friend’s husband was beside himself. Then, it hit me… Here I was sitting there doing the greediest thing I could be doing, serving my desires, when someone had lost her life leaving her husband with nothing, or at least very little, to be thankful for on the very day that we should be thankful. It did make me happy to see that my parents, as well as a number of their friends, would drop everything they were doing to be with a friend in need. That’s the kind of friend I want to be and the kind of friends I would like to think I have. Anyway, that moment with the phone call changed my perspective of the day.

I no longer saw it solely as a breath of fresh air; I was suddenly thankful for the mere ability to breathe, the ability to laugh, to touch, to feel, to move, the ability to LIVE. I was thankful the blessings God has placed in my life: family, friends, a job, shelter, mobility, even the ability to openly and freely live out my faith and my life free from sin. I was thankful for the ability to rejoice in my successes as well as my sufferings (this is something I’m struggling with, hence the word “ability”…work in progress).

This broke me, not completely, but it did break me. It was like one of those huge white gobstoppers, I have built a shell of neglect and avoidance the past few weeks towards life and faith. The white covering of the gobstopper represents this shell, so in this moment it was like a layer or two of the gobstopper had been sucked away revealing the colors underneath, but not the soft core. So I cried and I prayed for Linda (that’s her name, the woman who died) for her death but also her life, that her life would be remembered and celebrated rather than her death be filled with sorrow. I prayed and cried for Terry (her husband) that God would surround him with the love of his friends and that he would recognize the love, and I thanked God for this. I prayed and cried for my soul, for God to rid me of the guilt and greed in my heart… then I found peace in Thanksgiving and in my heart.

I still participated in Black Friday but I like to think it was out of tradition rather than greed. I didn’t push anyone to the side, though they pushed me, we chose to forego waiting in line at target for hours but we still got what was on our list a couple hours after it opened… it was more relaxed after that. Those are my thoughts. Here comes the cliché… I hope you took the time to be thankful this thanksgiving…if not, you can be thankful every day of your life. Wow, this feels like it’s a novel length post… sorry, “have a good and blessed day” (to quote the bus driver of the only Valley Metro bus I’ve been on, I like that she made a point to say this to all of her passengers even if they irritated her)… anyways yes have a good and blessed day :)

Peace and Love in Gratefulness

Anthropophobia

I think there is a little thing inside all of us that makes us all a little anthropophobic... for those of us who are not cool enough to know what that is, it's a fear of people. Every day I see people on the light rail frantically search for an empty seat to make it so no one is sitting by them. I even see people who would rather stand up than sit directly next to someone. Then there is always the person who is sitting next to you and moves the second an open empty seat becomes available. What is it people? Is there some sort of social anxiety that comes up when you are in close proximity to a complete stranger? Or do people just simply smell? Because if I smell, please tell me so I can put on some D/O for my B/O. Maybe people just don't want to have to deal with a possible awkward conversation, they're just content being left alone to their own thoughts. I find myself in that position sometimes, but that doesn't mean you can't sit next to someone in total silence.

Here's my theory, you never know when someone could be sitting there alone on the lightrail and your very presence next to them could give them some sort of peace of mind, some comfort in knowing that they aren't invisible, that they don't smell. And so what if they strike up a conversation with you. There was this guy on the lightrail today just talking away about Phoenix's lack of public transportation, the conversation always came back to that too, it was quite entertaining. He was clearly an Arizona native and thought we were behind on the times, imagining how much transportation we would have if we had put the lightrail in 40 years ago. I could see he just wanted to talk to somebody, he wasn't afraid to either. Then again, he may have been on drugs or an alcoholic or something but that's no matter. He was very welcoming, something you rarely see these days in our anthropophobic society.

How many of you look for a seat away from people on the first day of school? Or in the cafeteria? Or on the light rail? Or in any other part of your life? I think it's time we step out of our comfort zones and not be afraid to be near people, not be afraid to love people even by just sitting next to them. Don't judge, don't be afraid, be the guy who will talk about Phoenix's public transportation system for 15 min.