
Looking back...
I turned the big 2-0 on Friday (for those of you who couldn't catch my incredibly clever use of language, that means I am now 20 years old). Now on that day, a nice bank teller kindly reminded me that 20 years is 2 DECADES! Think about it, we learn history in terms of decades...the 60s, 70s, and 80s are all separated as decades. you see, it's easy to think of decades when you didn't live through them, it's easy to string them together in an unfamiliar array of time with inaccurate perceptions of how much time a decade is. However, when I think about where I was a decade ago, I was calling my self "a double-digit midget." I was fascinated by the fact that I was now able to write 2 digits down for my age, something that I know will be doing for 80 more years, so it seems like nothing special, but in my 10-yr old head, it was the pinnacle point of my existence.
So, my turning two decades old has brought me to reflection mode. The last two decades of my life have brought the most exponential change and growth that I will ever experience in my life. The last decade alone consisted of so much personal growth and maturity that I will never again be able to say I had. I not only matured physically, but emotionally and intelligence-wise as well. Granted, I spent my 20th birthday at a park playing on swings and springy animals, which may or may not show some kind of maturity haha. Still, my point is, that I am no longer the person I was a decade ago, nor will I be the person I am currently even tomorrow. Life is a journey filled with constant change, that is for certain. We are constantly being shaped, molded into the person that we will be, but that "person" will never be the same for long.
Sorry that was a tangent, kinda.
Anyways all this reflecting led me to the thought of my birth. Which led me to think of the events that preceded my birth. A couple months into my mom's pregnancy with me, she had a miscarriage, but somehow I was still there. I had survived while potential twin sister or brother had not. But why? Why me? Why should I have the privilege to live on this earth breathing its air and seeing all the beauty it has to offer? Even now, as unforseen tears roll down my face, I feel so unworthy , so guilty. What have I done with this life I have been so preciously given? What good is this gift if I am not living it to fullest for my creator, the one who literally CHOSE me?
Psalm 139:13-18
"For you created my inmost being,
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you."
He knit me, he made me, he knew me, he knows me, he thinks of me, he chose me, he LOVES me...
I am immensely humbled by all of this. My life is not my own, it belongs to my creator, my savior, and my one true love. Oh how easily my life could not have been; how easily could my position have been switched with my unborn sibling. My heart is filled with gratitude. Though my purpose in this life has yet to be revealed, I do not doubt its existence or the fact that it will come to pass.
Lord,
May you use me and this life you've given me. May I seek you first and give you all the glory. May every beat of my heart, every breath in my lungs be dedicated to you. May I not waste this mist of a life that will eventually vanish.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of everlasting."
This is my prayer, from now until my dying breath. I am entirely in your hands.
Amen.
I was almost a miscarriage as well. it's nice to read you writing again
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