A selfish, greedy, yet grateful heart

Thanksgiving… now I wasn’t going to post on this in order to avoid a cliché, but this was before I got some sense knocked in to me.

Leading up to Thanksgiving Day, I saw it as the opportunity to finally breathe, to be able to relax and not worry whatsoever about school or anything else. It was a destination (to allude back to a previous post), just something to look forward to, some goal to reach. In a sense it was my light at the end of the tunnel. Consequently, I felt numb to all the thoughts or feelings you should feel on thanksgiving. I saw peoples’ statuses or posts about Thanksgiving, asking what are you thankful for? I quickly moved on, not wanting to think of that, not wanting to pause just one second to get out of my little shell and think of the broader picture. Selfishness… that’s what it was. Sadly, and to my own disappointment and guilt, this concept did not come until the following events.

As our family was plotting our Black Friday plan, seeing what strategy would be best to save the most money, my parents got a phone call. Their friend had died, and their friend’s husband was beside himself. Then, it hit me… Here I was sitting there doing the greediest thing I could be doing, serving my desires, when someone had lost her life leaving her husband with nothing, or at least very little, to be thankful for on the very day that we should be thankful. It did make me happy to see that my parents, as well as a number of their friends, would drop everything they were doing to be with a friend in need. That’s the kind of friend I want to be and the kind of friends I would like to think I have. Anyway, that moment with the phone call changed my perspective of the day.

I no longer saw it solely as a breath of fresh air; I was suddenly thankful for the mere ability to breathe, the ability to laugh, to touch, to feel, to move, the ability to LIVE. I was thankful the blessings God has placed in my life: family, friends, a job, shelter, mobility, even the ability to openly and freely live out my faith and my life free from sin. I was thankful for the ability to rejoice in my successes as well as my sufferings (this is something I’m struggling with, hence the word “ability”…work in progress).

This broke me, not completely, but it did break me. It was like one of those huge white gobstoppers, I have built a shell of neglect and avoidance the past few weeks towards life and faith. The white covering of the gobstopper represents this shell, so in this moment it was like a layer or two of the gobstopper had been sucked away revealing the colors underneath, but not the soft core. So I cried and I prayed for Linda (that’s her name, the woman who died) for her death but also her life, that her life would be remembered and celebrated rather than her death be filled with sorrow. I prayed and cried for Terry (her husband) that God would surround him with the love of his friends and that he would recognize the love, and I thanked God for this. I prayed and cried for my soul, for God to rid me of the guilt and greed in my heart… then I found peace in Thanksgiving and in my heart.

I still participated in Black Friday but I like to think it was out of tradition rather than greed. I didn’t push anyone to the side, though they pushed me, we chose to forego waiting in line at target for hours but we still got what was on our list a couple hours after it opened… it was more relaxed after that. Those are my thoughts. Here comes the cliché… I hope you took the time to be thankful this thanksgiving…if not, you can be thankful every day of your life. Wow, this feels like it’s a novel length post… sorry, “have a good and blessed day” (to quote the bus driver of the only Valley Metro bus I’ve been on, I like that she made a point to say this to all of her passengers even if they irritated her)… anyways yes have a good and blessed day :)

Peace and Love in Gratefulness

Anthropophobia

I think there is a little thing inside all of us that makes us all a little anthropophobic... for those of us who are not cool enough to know what that is, it's a fear of people. Every day I see people on the light rail frantically search for an empty seat to make it so no one is sitting by them. I even see people who would rather stand up than sit directly next to someone. Then there is always the person who is sitting next to you and moves the second an open empty seat becomes available. What is it people? Is there some sort of social anxiety that comes up when you are in close proximity to a complete stranger? Or do people just simply smell? Because if I smell, please tell me so I can put on some D/O for my B/O. Maybe people just don't want to have to deal with a possible awkward conversation, they're just content being left alone to their own thoughts. I find myself in that position sometimes, but that doesn't mean you can't sit next to someone in total silence.

Here's my theory, you never know when someone could be sitting there alone on the lightrail and your very presence next to them could give them some sort of peace of mind, some comfort in knowing that they aren't invisible, that they don't smell. And so what if they strike up a conversation with you. There was this guy on the lightrail today just talking away about Phoenix's lack of public transportation, the conversation always came back to that too, it was quite entertaining. He was clearly an Arizona native and thought we were behind on the times, imagining how much transportation we would have if we had put the lightrail in 40 years ago. I could see he just wanted to talk to somebody, he wasn't afraid to either. Then again, he may have been on drugs or an alcoholic or something but that's no matter. He was very welcoming, something you rarely see these days in our anthropophobic society.

How many of you look for a seat away from people on the first day of school? Or in the cafeteria? Or on the light rail? Or in any other part of your life? I think it's time we step out of our comfort zones and not be afraid to be near people, not be afraid to love people even by just sitting next to them. Don't judge, don't be afraid, be the guy who will talk about Phoenix's public transportation system for 15 min.

Avoidance

Avoidance... avoidance, avoidance, avoidance... this has become the theme of my life this semester. I choose to avoid school, life in general and IT MUST COME TO AN END!! You see, I would like to call myself a strong person, I would like to be able to look someone or something in the eye and say "I've got this, I will succeed, I...WILL...CONQUER!" Sadly this is rarely the case... oh sure I feel on top of the world when I have very little to do, not worries, no stresses. But the minute something comes up, this flood of anxiety consumes me and I quickly give in to avoidance... It just seems easier to put things off, but really it ends up biting me in the butt in the long run.



This week it hit me hard. In reality, I had more time than usually to get my act together, but somehow it felt like I wasn't getting anything done. Time seemed to slip right through my fingers. It was like I was not moving, like I was on a train, my feet planted firmly where I was with this feeling that I was standing still... But time was still going... time is the image you see out the window, the trees and objects the breezing by so fast. One second they're there, the next gone. I felt like I was standing still, not moving forward at all.



When I'm in these types of situations, I find myself avoiding God as well. You know just putting him off to the side, thinking you'll get to him later, just putting him in a heap amongst all your other tasks you have to do... See I know that when I do take the time to talk to Him, to read His word, I find so much peace, I just can't help but smile. I just wish I did more often, that amongst the anxiety, I remember Him and find peace and comfort. I just wish that I could face Him and face all the tests He puts in front of me for that is what will build my strength.

Composition

I recently discovered a new station on the radio…it’s classical music! I stumbled upon it while accidentally going 2 stations over from AIR1, and now I have a new station to listen to when I need some calm, relaxing music. As I listen to this, I realize how amazingly awesome these composers must be. They hear in their minds every single part, played by every single instrument in the orchestra. Not only do they have to be knowledgeable and in tune with every instrument, but they somehow are able to put them all together, every part and harmony, to make this compilation that is able to manipulate emotion. (Side note: I find it completely bewildering, yet refreshing that the manipulation of music is able to get different emotions out of us. Like, you know when the artist/composer is expressing anger or happiness… it’s crazy!) So basically, composers are awesome.

Now, I’m going to go out on a limb here and compare the composer to God [note: clearly I’m not saying the composer is a God or can even come close to being God; I’m speaking metaphorically ;) ] God has written our world, and our own personal song. He has written our part and has strategically placed us with other people (friends, family, etc) to create this harmonic display of our lives. He’s all-knowing, just like the composer is all-knowing of the piece he has written. God is in control, he has written our song and he knows when something is out of tune. It could be you or someone else who is out of tune in your life, negatively affecting the composition He has created for you. So we must go to Him to fix our instrument, to make it in tune, or perhaps we need to go to Him to discuss whether someone needs to be kicked out of the orchestra if a person is affecting the music extremely badly. We want our orchestra to be the best it can be.

What type of music are you playing in your life? Is it clouded with poor musicians? Is God your conductor, or is someone/thing else? Are your playing classical music? Or pop music, influenced artificially and manipulated in such a way that it takes away from the realness and naturalness that it was originally intended to be? What I mean is, pop and rap music is often so synthesized, so altered by technology that the whole composition becomes fake, nothing left is real. Perhaps that is why I love acoustic music, it’s so raw and pure that you know the artist is pouring his or her soul out to you and not trying to cover it up by other things. For the sake of my argument, the technologically altered music is covered by the patterns of this world, while acoustic or classical music truly portrays God’s original plans in our lives, showing a deep and real individual who is actively living to follow Jesus and making themselves vulnerable in order to truly submit themselves to God’s will. [wow can you say run-on sentence? Haha oh well] I hope you are playing God’s original score for your lives and allowing it to come together to make something beautiful, to make magic!

Peace, Love, and God!

Peace, Love, and God

The light rail is busy right now… probably the busiest I’ve seen it apart from my morning 1-stop commute to Tempe campus. I wonder where everyone is going. There are a few men in suits standing up, probably on their way to lunch or an important meeting, briefcases in hand. I see a few other students working diligently (or not so diligently) on homework. Eww… I see a butt crack! I’m trying to erase that from my memory. Man I just saw it again. Ahhh!
Anyway, I was going to tell you all about what I discovered the first time I helped the homeless like a month ago, but I am giving a speech on the homeless today and have been working on it for the past hour or so. As such, I want to sort of get away from the topic at the moment. I need a break.

Hmmm… what should I talk about? I’m only writing this because I have nothing else to do on my ride back to Tempe. I had planned to pick up a newspaper and do the Sudoku. Then again I had also planned to heat up my chef Boyardee… neither happened. Can I just say how amazing it feels to feel like you are exactly where God wants you to be? I have had an amazing past few weeks and the peace just keeps on coming. I don’t know if it is because my work load has slowed down a bit and given me more free time, or if it’s just my gaining a true understanding of God’s mercy and love and purpose he has given me to live for him. I am just incredibly at peace. It’s extremely refreshing.

I have been feeling this peace for a while, but I think it truly hit me last night when I stayed up until 2:30am doing stuff that I needed to get done. Now the reason it was so late was partly my own procrastination, but also partly a series of time suckers that just happened to prolong my evening. Somehow though, I was at peace and knew that I would be okay. I even tried to sleep some, thinking I would wake up early and finish in the morning, but I couldn’t. There was a feeling inside me that made my heart start racing and hindered my ability to sleep. I think it was unconscious anxiety; I knew that I would be extremely stressed in the morning if I fell asleep at that moment. Anyways I guess there is really no point to that entire story. Oh yeah, it gave me peace.

Anyways, this weekend was AMAZING! The more I hang out with Ember people and get involved, the more I realize that this is where God wants me to be. He’s provided me with a place to belong, a group of people who will accept me even when I have to talk in a high pitched voice, like a ventriloquist, slapping myself, and pretending I have an electric shock going through my body when someone touches me (YAY CURSES!!) Ember fills a whole that has been missing in my life for a long time; I’ve felt like an outsider for so long, it feels like I can breathe again. Thank you all for being you. And thank you God for giving me such a blessing in my life. I feel so fortunate to be at the place that I’m at :)