The past revealed...

Wow, it seems like I am blogging a lot lately, which usually means I am avoiding doing what I should be doing (which is studying for the 2 tests I have in about an hour and a half)...



So this past weekend, I stayed at my parents' house, which is pretty much what I have to do on the weekends to have some sort of social life lol. Anyway, while there I came across this old little black book. No, not the kind that is full of peoples' phone numbers, but a little black book of God, or at least recorded notes/ minutes of old sermons. This belonged to my Grandmother on my mom's side. I don't know why, but I found this book completely intriguing. You see, my grandmother died when my mom was very young, so I have never known her and up until now, I never pictured her alive. I have always seen her as gone, passed away, some relative in a far off place never to be seen by my eyes, never to be heard by my ears, never to be embraced by my arms...I never thought of her life or the fact that she actually lived. To be honest, I even forgot her name as I had to shamefully ask my mother what it was. You could call me heartless, or ignorant for not knowing or wondering about my grandmother, but I just never got the chance to have a connection with her.



For some reason, this little black book opened up a whole new portion of my life, the history of a family I never knew. You see, this book was a record of a small group my Grandma attended back in 1945/1946...when she was about my age. They called themselves Sigma Rho Chi, they wanted to sound proper with a greek letter name...haha it seems like something I would do with my friends. It was their club, their Christian club, their community. They would meet once a week and do outside activities like bowling and going to the theater in NYC. Normal stuff, like what I have at Ember. For some reason, this connection to her has really resonated with me. She was at the point that I am at in my life, single, but surrounded by a strong community of God-loving people, just doing life together.

I wish I could have known her. I wish I could have talked to her about faith, life in general. I hear stories from friends who learn so much from their grandparents. I am down to one and I love him, but I only see him once a year...my heart breaks for my Grandmother and the relationship we never had. As I am writing this, I feel tears welling up inside me, partially cuz of my inabilty to meet her, but also for my neglect to know anything about her til now.

But you know what? Even though I have never met her, I still admire her. From what my mama says, her life could not have been easy, yet she kept faith. If I can learn nothing else from her, this would be enough...to keep my faith in times of struggle. She eventually met my grandfather in a church small group as well. Somehow, this gives me hope as well, that God will provide. He will provide according to His will, and His time. I feel like He is shaping me and my life in ways I can't imagine and can't even begin to understand. Even though my Grandma's life was cut short at a relatively early age, I am convinced that she lived a fulfilled life. And as a result of her struggles and the struggles my mom's side of the family faced in general, I feel so blessed to have the life that I have. They all faced trials so that I wouldn't have to. My grandma wasn't able to afford college, but I am blessed with that opportunity. So here's to my Grandma Doris, whom I have never met but look forward to seeing someday :)