Wedding Bells

{Found this pic on someone's blog and I absolutely adore it :) }

As I sit here in Civic Space Park in downtown Phoenix, with my free Fair Trade Cafe Coffee in hand, in what I have coined as my spot (semi-awkardly using a trash can as my back rest), I finally have time to think and reflect on something that has consumed my mind for the past few days. With the wave of tests over, I finally feel like I can do this.


**pause** some random guy just came up to the trash can I am leaning on and spit like 5 times in there...he then proceeded to pace back and forth and hover...such is the essence of dowtown Phoenix I guess...MOVING ON...haha sorry for the tangent

Ironically, something that has been on my heart this week is the desire to be married...which is totally random seeing as I am as single as you can get and have no prospects at the moment. Which is usually how I keep it, no attachments or feelings to tie me down or get in the way. And I know I'm still young and there is so much I want to do with my life before I get tied down, but for some reason I have been thinking about marriage. I love the romance of it all, the man looking at the bride as if he is looking at the most beautiful object in the universe...the beauty of the flowers and the dress...the true essence of love in the air...it's magical! It's beautiful!

Aside from the beauty of the wedding itself, I think what I am currently obsessed with is the life that a husband and wife have together. I see cute pictures of young married couples who just look so happy and so in love, and I just yearn for that...I yearn for the security that comes with having someone to share your life with, someone you love....

That's it! Thats what I want....I want the security that comes with the marriage. It's the knowledge that I won't end up alone, it's the comfort of being taken care of and loved and cherished and able to have a true life companion. I have this fear, one of my biggest fears in fact is ending up alone. It's not being alone, it's ending up alone. I would consider myself an independent person. I like to do stuff on my own, accomplish something on my own, get over things on my own...I distance myself for that reason, for the knowledge that I don't need anybody. It's problematic because I am afraid that if I keep up with this independence, that I will always be alone. I fear the future, I fear the unknown, and I fear the thought of waking up one day as the crazy cat lady...having lived this whole life without truly living it.

Truth is, I know I'm never truly alone, I know that my life is not in my hands, it's in God's...and I know that He has bigger plans for me than I could ever imagine. So I yearn for the security of a marriage...a physical, earthly marriage because it will bring me tangible security, but what I know in my head but have been unable to accept in my heart, is that living a life for Christ brings a spiritual sense of security through the Holy Spirit and God actively working in my life. He is my shelter and strength, He is my refuge, my safe place, my secure place...on my own I can do nothing, but all things are possible through Christ. This is the hardest part for me, as someone who is so independent, to rely on God and have faith...to let go of myself and my own need for control...so so hard.

So as I struggle with myself, with the unknown and truly finding peace in God's plan for my life, I look forward to the day when He comes again. Scripture puts it as the church is God's bride and when He comes again, it will be like a beautiful wedding. I think of Phil Wickham's song "Beautiful" that last verse of the song always puts a smile on my face and in my heart..."When we arrive at eternity's shore, when death is just a memory and tears are no more. We'll enter in as the weddingbells ring. Your bride will come together and we'll sing...you're beautiful." I think of this glorious moment coming together and just basking in the beauty of the Lord and look forward to that moment. And I wait in anticipation when I can experience that beauty here on earth, on my wedding day...if it is God's will.

The possibilities in life are endless, it's about anticipating them and welcoming them with open arms and without fear...today I pray that I can't let go of this fear, after all "Perfect love casts out all fear" right? :)