Lately, I have been doing this thing...I've been making my facial expressions match my thoughts. For instance, if I am perturbed, I scrunch up my face (see picture above) or if I think of something funny I smile or laugh to myself...I don't even realize I am doing it until after I have done it. It's weird and I probably look like a crazy person when I do it, but oh well...maybe that's a certain behavior I will work on eliminating...
Anyways, the last few days (namely yesterday) have been full of the scrunchy face, spured from the discomfort within my heart. The paralysis that encompassed my week last week has turned to this discomfort; this restlessness is more like that tingling feeling you get when your foot is asleep...you can feel it but it is extremely uncomfortable and annoying. Allow me to elaborate on the sources of my discomfort...
First... my reliance on Christian music and literature. This makes me feel guilty. I feel extremely close to God through music (Phil Wickham is my guilty pleasure). I also get a lot out of Christian books (most recently The Screwtape Letters)...My problem is getting more out of both of these things than out of the Bible. I have been reading the Bible more often than I have in the past, but still I find myself relying on other things. The Bible is the Sword of Truth...its the device God gives us to defend Him and share Him with the world. The Word is the most important, tangible object we as Christians have and I find myself relying on other things...how pathetic is that? I think I have developed a poor attitude for the Bible over time. I partly blame growing up in AWANA...not that it is a bad program, but I participated in the wrong way. If you don't know what AWANA is, you go through activity books memorizing verses along the way. That was my sole objective, not to learn but to memorize. I memorized simply for the reason to get through the book, it was a competition for me to see how many verses I could memorize and I never took the time to understand what I was memorizing... Also, growing up in the church, I feel like I have heard the stories before, and I harden my heart. I call this the "Church Kid Syndrome"... I think what I need is a Bible Study...not one that goes through a Christian book, but a study that goes through the Bible. So that we read the Bible and discuss, anyone interested? Thats the only way I can think of to rid myself of this aspect of my discomfort...
Second...is time. What am I doing with my time? I feel like it's nothing, I feel like I am coasting and not actively living. james 4:14 "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." This is so true...I don't know what will happen tomorrow, so why should I worry? Why should I live in fear of the future? I think one of the biggest ways Satan works is through wasting our time and moving our focus from the present and into the future or the past. When our thoughts are in the future, there are a few things that can happen. 1) we get caught up in false realities that we create for ourselves which I like to call "extreme day dreams" (clever rhyme huh?). This is when we picture the way we expect our lives to play out and get so caught up in this that we start believing it to be true (not in a crazy psycho way but a hopeful way). It's problematic when these thought occupy our mind to the extent that we fail to live in the present, and when life fails to live up to our expectations, it can leave lasting and bitter effects. 2) we get caught up in the fear of the unknown. Here's the deal, we don't know our future, we have NO way of knowing, so for control freaks like me, this unknown life ahead creates fear. You would think that I would find comfort in having the God of the universe on my side and in control of my life, yet for some reason...I live in fear. Now it is also common to get stuck in the past...this is where my mind goes a lot of the time. Thinking about the past builds up so much regret for me that it's not even funny. This regret tangles up my mind and soul so that I am wrapped in the past and not the present. News Flash: WE CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST! No matter how much we want to, we can't...so why consume our time trying to live in the past? It's pathetic...
So I feel like I lack living in the Present...going back to the verse in James...What is my life? What am I doing in my life right now...going to school, which I won't see the benefits of for a few years...working, but not as much as I would like, so I'm bitter and not willing to embrace the joy that my job once (does) give me...other than that I feel like I am stagnant, I have hit a wall. I want to change that, in some way I want to change my perspective into living in the present. I think of a great quote from an amazing movie (Kung Fu Panda) "The past is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift thats why they call it the present!" Let's use our gift, let's not let the mist fade, lets live and love TODAY...
I don't know how, but I want to try. I want to rid myself of the annoying sensation of the discomfort in my heart. Somehow, someway I want normalcy.
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