Spiritual Paralysis

My soul is numb... my heart is paralyzed... unable to feel, unable to move, unable to learn, unable to grow. I don't know if it's unable or just unwilling...it's like when your spinal cord is damaged, cutting off all sensation and also the ability to move. I don't know why I feel this way; I don't know how to move forward. I know where I should turn my eyes, but I don't know how or even if I am willing. I could be comfortable here, after all, I can't feel the pain right? But is the absence of pain worth the sacrifice of joy as well? Is this complacency a comfort or a burden; is it worth it?



It's amazing how quickly your feelings of contentment can change; it's amazing how much your mood can dictate your actions and your overall view of your day. It's amazing how often we let other things dictate our moods as well.



I have one proposed cause of my numbness problem. It's something I have somewhat known about myself for a majority of my life, and something I want to change but I don't know how. And I think this has caused my spiritual paralysis. Allow me to ellaborate...



**Disclaimer: I have no idea if this will make sense, but I will try to lay it our clearly...



*** Side note: i just noticed it was 11:11 and I wished for happiness...how pathetic is that? wishing for happiness lol

Ok so finally, I will elaborate. Always throughout my life I have been extrinsically motivated, which means motivate by things other than myself. Of course, this is the worst type of motivation to have because it is so circumstantial. I have always been the type of person who wants to please everyone, I gain my satisfaction ans self worth in recieving praise and external rewards. I am not proud of this and I have lied to myself for so long, telling myself that I am my own person and I am who I am regardless of what other people think or how they react. But, I am sad to say this is false. No matter how much I want it to be the contrary, it isn't. You know what? I think this is to some extent an innate human characteristic. We are meant to be in relationship with one another, we are meant to have human contact. I heard of this experiment one time where they took some babies and gave them no physical or verbal contact other than the food they needed...they didn't survive past a few weeks.

So it's no secret that we need human contact and to be mindful of our interactions with people, but it is when we let others determine our actions that this becomes problematic. It's when we rely so much on others that our own personal strength and the strength that God has on our lives disappears. So, I know this and have becomre aware of the prevalence of this in my life and I want to change, but this change will not happen overnight and it will not happen unless I truly open up to God and let it...It is extremely hard to change the way you have thought and acted your whole life.

I think this is why I am numb...I have made the decision to change my thought process but I have no idea how to act on it. It's like finding out that Santa Claus doesn't exist. All of my hope has been falsly placed in other people's hands, not in God's, and as a result, I don't know how to move forward, I don't know how to experience the true, genuine love of our Creator and Savior. I just don't know...