waiting

CAUTION! I wrote this like a month ago and I'm not proofreading it... so don't judge :)

Waiting. There are two types of waiting… Waiting on God and waiting on yourself to wait on God. Pretty much most of my life has been the latter.

One day, I was on vacation in Mexico swimming in the ocean. No not swimming…BOOGY BOARDING! Anyway, as many people know, boogy-boarding involves recognizing the perfect wave to catch. Now, I was out there waiting… just waiting for that perfect wave, a huge perfectly curved wave. It never came. I was there waiting for something that was not presented for me. However, as I waited for that wave there were a number of smaller yet perfectly good waves that came and went. Let's say… 10. So here I am sitting in the middle of the ocean wasting my afternoon because I can't get over myself and catch those waves. I could have had 10 decent runs but instead I had none. This is how I have been with God. I wait to love others in this glamorized way that fits this picture in my head. I wait to wait on God because it doesn't fit with my own plans. There have been plenty of opportunities for me to serve God right in my own community. Up until recently have I taken any of those? No. I've been so set, so convinced that I need this extremely life changing experience in a third world country in order to figure out God's plan for my life. Each one of these opportunities have been shut down for me in one way or another. Hello? Ding ding… this means that a third world country is not where God wants me to be right now. I need to get over myself and my own desires and focus on God. How can I minister to people without trusting in God myself? See, I don't want to live my life without catching a wave; that is not the life God wants us to live. We need to catch every wave we can, take advantage of every opportunity God places in front of us however futile it may seem at the time.

We need to wait on God for everything. Otherwise we'll wind up being content, just complacent and not reaching for greater things, not actively living our lives for Christ. I look back on my life and this is one of my biggest struggles, I tend to put my life in my hands rather than God's. First Corinthians 6:20 says that we are not our own, and that's true. We belong to God. Everything we do, say, think, have, our physical bodies all belong to Him. I know I find that extremely difficult to process and even more difficult to accept. I, being the independent person that I am, find it extremely difficult to just let go, to be vulnerable to somebody especially to God. Trust is really hard for me, trusting in something I cannot feel or see physically, something in which I do not know the outcome (hence God's plan for my life) is even harder for me. But that is FAITH, a concept that I have not actually understood or been able to practice in my life thus far. Ironically, that is what my religion is based on, not good deeds or ritual, but spiritual faith in God. It is something I am working on… this waiting on God thing and I hope I can continue to grow in faith exponentially. I picture the graph of an exponential function, going to infinity in both directions, increasing more and more each time. So I choose to wait… however I'm supposed to do that, whatever that may bring, I know it is what God wants me to do.

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