To know and be known...

This passed thanksgiving weekend, my family and I watched a number of Christmas movies. Though I still haven't caught the Christmas spirit, I was completely delighted to just chill. Anyways, we watched White Christmas which I would argue is one of the best, if not the best, Christmas movie of all time. Though made in the 50s, it is timeless. The superb dance numbers coupled with fanntastic music and an overall homey feeling make this movie one of the best. We recently got the special anniversary edition complete with a commentary by Rosemary Clooney as well as a number of behind the scenes stories.

What really struck me though were the individual segments of the back stories of Rosemary Clooney, Bing Crosby, and Danny Kaye. They interviewed friends and family members to tell the real aspects of their lives. Immediately my view of them had changed, for the better. Rosemary Clooney had a quaint house in Kentucky overlooking a river which she used as a peaceful escape from the craziness of Hollywood. Bing Crosby had a heart for soldiers overseas, giving out free records to soldiers and donating millions of dollars to the war effort. And Danny Kaye, the goofball that he was, dedicated much of his life to the UNICEF movement, relating to children around the world through comedy and fun that went beyond any language barriers. Think Angelina Jolie and other present-day celebs are "do-gooders"? Well this guy was the original celebrity humanitarian.

I know what you're thinking, so these people had lives, big deal. What does that have to do with anything? My point is this, they had lives and it has everything to do with anything. You see, until I watched these bonus features, the only image I had of these actors was what I saw in the film. For all I knew, they were just the characters in the movie who randomly broke out in song (which I wish happened more often in life). But now, I know that they each had a story to be told, and I feel like I have a piece of their legacy, a piece of them now in my memory and a part of my existence.

Everybody has a story. Celebrities, the person sitting next to you at the coffee shop or walking passed you at school, they all have a story. I feel like I am so often caught up in my own story that I fail to find others' stories. But, I think learning other people's stories is the best way to get passed our own previous conceptions of them and move into their truth. And in that process, we are able to love more freely.

My mind is full right now as I try to wrap my head around the fact that there are 6 billion people on the planet, each with their own story to tell. And each of their stories are intertwined with hundreds if not thousands of others, creating this web that is the world. People's stories also connect the past, present and future to create this beautiful story of the existence of the world, a story that is written by God. One that is not constrained by limits of time, but just is. Now my mind is lost out there, somewhere trying to see the big picture which my brain will never have the capacity to know and understand. I'm rambling I know, but just make an effort to know people, I mean really know them, before it's too late.

Awkwardly Associated Affairs...

Do you ever have a random occurence of memories? Like something triggers something in your mind to race back in time to relive a specific moment. The trigger could be a smell, a sound, or even a place. Regardless of what initiates it, the result is the same: full momentary immersion in the past, either good or bad.



I had a moment like this last Friday while listening to the Phil Wickham sing-along CD; the song...Beautiful. No really, not only is the song beautiful, but that's the name of it too ;) I don't know why but this song brought me back to last year. Ironically, it wasn't Easter, which I would have thought because last Easter was truly spectacular. (If you didn't know, it was baptism Sunday where two lovely friends, Aubrie and Trinity, were baptised. They played two of my favorite Phil songs and beautiful was one of them. It had been the first time in a long time previoiusly that I had truly experienced God's peace and joy). Anyways, I was not brought back to that, nor was I brought back to long car rides with Jesus, at least not initially. No, I was immediately surrounded by a specific smell, I think it was a sugar cookie candle (or some other candle), the smell of my apartment last year. I think this song reminded me of the apartment because I had gotten in the habit last year of taking study breaks to dance around my apartment, and this song as beautiful as it is aloud me to truly destress as I moved around the living room.

Sadly, however, this brief moment of peaceful reminiscence was quickly overshadowed by the memory of the silent suffering that plagued my existence last year. I was reminded of how quickly fear, doubt, and insecurity can consume my thoughts. The minute I start thinking that way is the minute that negative thoughts start popping up at an exponential rate.

Now, I am going to use a Harry Potter analogy (because that has been the world I've been lost in for the passed week). So, if you are anti-Potter feel free to skip this paragraph. Anyways, in the 5th book, Harry starts having dreams that connect him to the bad guy Voldemort. At first, he is scared of them, not knowing what they are. However, soon he starts not only accepting these negative visions, but believing they are true. It even gets to the point where Voldemort uses these negative thoughts to trick Harry and ultimately consume him. It is not until Harry gathers up the strength to remember the positive moments in life that he can finally cast our Voldemort's thoughts. See video below (towards the middle) to see Harry being possessed....



My point is, without the restoration that Christ has brought me through recent months, I would still fall victim to the all-consuming thoughts of insignificance. I'm not saying that I have happy, positive thoughts all the time, but I am just seeing the growth that has taken place in my life since last Winter. Life's still a struggle (in the words of Miley Cyrus "Life's a climb" haha) but to have peace through it all, that's what God has changed within me.

Now, my only fear is that this peace has brought complacency. Or worse, that is has simply buried my doubt deeper, just waiting to come back. But all I know is that I need not worry about that, for I have Jesus on my side to forever be my hope and strength. It may sound cliche, but I don't care. It's the truth, simple as that.



Peace :)

Restoration :)

So I'm in a very contemplative mood right now....don't know why, maybe it's my choice of music this morning or my state of existence at the moment. Nevertheless, right now I choose to skip out on exercise physiology class and just write.

So I've been thinking a lot about the past and how I ended up here, how we all ended up to where we are now. Have you ever heard the saying "the more things change, the more they stay the same" ? Well, I think that saying accurately describes this world and every life in it. We are always changing, our situations in life are always changing, our thoughts are always changing...which is why things are the same with change. Change is constantly among us, which is why it is the norm in life. Think about it, when your life feels stagnant, how much more do you desire that change? We don't know what to do with complacency because it's not normal in our lives to stay in the same place, the same state for more than a brief period. At the same time, however, the thought of change scares the crap out of us, especially when we finally find a place that we actually want to stay.

So, I want to propose a different word for change, one which seems to have a more positive connotation to it. The word is: TRANSITION. Change comes with that negative connotation of fear, whereas a transition implies that you will be better as a result of you changing circumstances. Life's transitions are what keep me going (see James 1 or Romans 5 or Hebrews 12 for my reasons). I know that each transition in my life, however hard it may be, is for the development of my character.

I attended a worship service to kick of 24-hour prayer at ASU and a line in one of the songs was "You are my restoration". "You" being Jesus, if you didn't know. And overcome my a moment of shear happiness and realization, I fell to my seat just laughing. Yeah I know, not your usual response during worship, but it's totally justifiable. Consider this analogy (oh how I love analogies!):

In exercise physiology (yes even though I am missing class today, I can make it up with this analogy), I learned about the role of satellite cells in the muscle. See, when we excercise (mainly strength training and lifting weights) there are little tears that occur within the muscle. These tears are necessary for muscle hypertrophy (aka bigger biceps). This accounts for part of the soreness you feel after working out. Now, here is where the satellite cells come in, they are the cells that go to the tears in the muscle and restore them to health. Do you get where I'm going with this now? JESUS is our SATELLITE CELL! How cool is that?

So in life, we break. We fall down as we work so hard to get through life. But you know what? Jesus comes in to restore those tears we accumulate along the way. The beauty of satellite cells is that they not only restore you, but your muscle grows because of it. Therefore, though the soreness may suck, you get the desired result afterwards. Yeah, our struggles in life may suck, but we grow from that transition and will ultimately be so much better off because of it.

So work out today, literally or figuratively, and let our satellite restore you through your transition, whatever it may be at the moment in your life.

Finally, let's open ourselves up for restoration not only in our own bodies, but in the body of Christ as well. Let us unite through Christ and not let turmoil tear us apart. That is all for now. I just want to encourage you to accept restoration through your current transitions in life.

Peace :)

Two Decades...

Looking back...

I turned the big 2-0 on Friday (for those of you who couldn't catch my incredibly clever use of language, that means I am now 20 years old). Now on that day, a nice bank teller kindly reminded me that 20 years is 2 DECADES! Think about it, we learn history in terms of decades...the 60s, 70s, and 80s are all separated as decades. you see, it's easy to think of decades when you didn't live through them, it's easy to string them together in an unfamiliar array of time with inaccurate perceptions of how much time a decade is. However, when I think about where I was a decade ago, I was calling my self "a double-digit midget." I was fascinated by the fact that I was now able to write 2 digits down for my age, something that I know will be doing for 80 more years, so it seems like nothing special, but in my 10-yr old head, it was the pinnacle point of my existence.

So, my turning two decades old has brought me to reflection mode. The last two decades of my life have brought the most exponential change and growth that I will ever experience in my life. The last decade alone consisted of so much personal growth and maturity that I will never again be able to say I had. I not only matured physically, but emotionally and intelligence-wise as well. Granted, I spent my 20th birthday at a park playing on swings and springy animals, which may or may not show some kind of maturity haha. Still, my point is, that I am no longer the person I was a decade ago, nor will I be the person I am currently even tomorrow. Life is a journey filled with constant change, that is for certain. We are constantly being shaped, molded into the person that we will be, but that "person" will never be the same for long.

Sorry that was a tangent, kinda.

Anyways all this reflecting led me to the thought of my birth. Which led me to think of the events that preceded my birth. A couple months into my mom's pregnancy with me, she had a miscarriage, but somehow I was still there. I had survived while potential twin sister or brother had not. But why? Why me? Why should I have the privilege to live on this earth breathing its air and seeing all the beauty it has to offer? Even now, as unforseen tears roll down my face, I feel so unworthy , so guilty. What have I done with this life I have been so preciously given? What good is this gift if I am not living it to fullest for my creator, the one who literally CHOSE me?

Psalm 139:13-18
"For you created my inmost being,
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you."

He knit me, he made me, he knew me, he knows me, he thinks of me, he chose me, he LOVES me...

I am immensely humbled by all of this. My life is not my own, it belongs to my creator, my savior, and my one true love. Oh how easily my life could not have been; how easily could my position have been switched with my unborn sibling. My heart is filled with gratitude. Though my purpose in this life has yet to be revealed, I do not doubt its existence or the fact that it will come to pass.

Lord,
May you use me and this life you've given me. May I seek you first and give you all the glory. May every beat of my heart, every breath in my lungs be dedicated to you. May I not waste this mist of a life that will eventually vanish.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of everlasting."

This is my prayer, from now until my dying breath. I am entirely in your hands.

Amen.

Time to even the playing field...

So, I have wanted to blog lately...I really have, just every time I try, I wait too long and lose my thoughts. Well, right now, they are fresh, and I hope I can finish this post within the next 20 min..

Have you ever heard of a fistula? Well, I hadn't until this week while reading for my Women in International Health class. Basically, it is a condition that comes from obstructed labor during pregnancy. If left untreated, women lose their ability to control their "bodily functions"... that is the least graphic way I can explain it.

(PAUSE! i just looked at some pics on a friend's blog from her trip to Africa...I am going this summer no matter what it takes!)

Anyway, this condition is quite common for women in underdeveloped countries who don't have access to proper healthcare. They are basically shunned out of their society as a result of this condition (just imagine how you would smell if you were leaking bodily fluids). Their friends, families, and even spouses won't associate with them. After reading about it, we just watched a video that followed women with a fistula in Ethiopia. There, they have to have a fistula hospital separate from the normal hospital. Because of the stigma placed on these women, hospital personell won't even let them in...

Basically, I could go on and on...but my point is this....

As I sat in the classroom, I was embarassed for how bad I possibly smell. After working out at the SRC today and walking so much in the hot Arizona sun, I could just feel the dried sweat on my body and clothes. Here I was, worrying about my own body odor when there are hundreds of thousands of women in Africa and other places walking around with pee dripping down their legs...HOW INCREDIBLY MESSED UP IS THAT?! Here I am trying to wrap my head around dating and relationships, when girls my age have been forced into marriage, been pregnant, or had a fistula before my age...HOW INCREDIBLY MESSED UP IS THAT?!

All I want to say is that I am incredibly blessed, yet incredibly selfish...how many times to we take advantage of even the ability to have a conversation with friends or family without some stigma attached? How many times to we pity our petty little problems, when there are people in this world suffering from complete injustice.

Of three things I am sure:

1) This semester and this class will be trying on me emotionally, but I am extremely excited to "open up my eyes to the things unseen" and unknown to many people.

2)I am too easily wrapped up in my own little world, but I want to change that. I want to do something about the injustice in this world. I mean, who am I that I should be born into one of the wealthiest nations in the world, while so many others are forced to live in conditions that I cannot even fathom? I can't help but to do something to even the playing field...

3) God will be working on my heart this semester...I pray that he will lead me to where I can go and do justice for him, and really change this world. Lord, "show me how to love like you have loved me..."

May God be at work in your life, and may you see the many blessings you have in your life.

Peace and love,
Lisa

Addictions

"These ways we find to numb our aches, our longings, and our pain are not benign. They are malignant. They entangle themselves in our souls like a cancer and, once attached, become addictions that are both cruel and relentles. Though we seek them out for a little relief from the sorrows of life, addictions turn on us and imprison us in chains that separate us from the heart of God and others as well. It is a lonely prison of our own making, each chain forged in the fire of our indulgent choice. Yet, "our lovers have so intertwined themselves with our identity that to give them up feels like personal death...We wonder if it is possible to live without them" (The Sacred Romance).

We need not be ashamed that our hearts ache; that we need and thirst and hunger for more. All of our hearts ache. All of our hearts are at some level unsatisfied and longing. It is our insatiable need for more that drives us to our God. What we need to see is that all our controlling and our hiding, all our indulging, actually serves to separate us from our hearts. We lose touch with those longings that make us women. And the substitutes never, ever resolve the deeper issue of our souls." (Captivating)

When this passage mentions "lovers" or "addictions" it means things we turn to in hard times in hopes of feeling better. Mine are movies and TV shows, particularly chick flicks haha. Now, I don't see anything wrong with having a "happy place," but when that thing you turn to is merely a means to find momentary contentment, I think thats a problem. You start relying on it, expecting that it will make you feel better. It's basically a drug and, yes, an addiction. You see, these things only give us brief pleasure. Wouldn't it be so much more productive to turn that longingness for our addictions into a longingness for God? Why don't we? Why don't we find who we are in Christ, or at least how he created us to be? Because like it says up in the few paragraphs I stole, those things we rely on, that are ultimately going to fail us, are the very things that destroy our identity....

Stop...

"Slow down and pace yourself, cuz when it's good yeah it's a long open road"

Kudos to Teddy Geiger for being my favorite future husband and musician. If you haven't heard of him, look him up :) That quote is from one of his songs. I drove home from Queen Creek tonight on surface streets alone, mainly Ellsworth if you wanted to know. Oh and thats at least fifteen or twenty miles if you didn't know. The reason? The night is beautiful :) I can smell the rain in the air, I can feel a slight breeze, and it is a perfect 80 degrees out. I could not bare to let it go to waste. I don't ever leave my windows down on the freeway because it is really loud and it lowers your gas mileage. So, I drove surface streets all the way home with my windows down.

You must know that I never drive with the windows down, at least not all the way down. I think this was the first night I had them down all the way and let my arm fly out the window. You know the feeling of resistance you feel when you put your hand out the window? You know, your hand immediately gets pushed back with the resistance of the wind. It's almost as if the wind is pushing you back or telling you to go back.

I was thinking about it, and maybe the resistance is telling you to slow down. I mean my arm did start to hurt as I was flying down the road. Maybe on the road you are on in life, the wind is pushing you back. You feel as if it is a bad thing, telling you to look back and dwell on the past which fills you with an immense feeling of regret. But maybe, just maybe the resistance you feel isn't meant to hold you back, maybe it isn't telling you to look back. Maybe, life is telling you to slow down, to enjoy the moment and the place you are at in your life. It's telling you to roll down the windows and experience the fresh air around you. It's telling you to find peace in the moment amidst the high speed drive that we find ourselves on.

I encourage you, to step outside, to fully experience the moment your are in right now. Because before you know it, it will be gone. There will be no other July 22nd, 2010 ever again. Experience the present, be here, be now. Slow down and find peace.

Somehow I found it today driving with my windows down and blasting my classical music (the score of the movie of my life). There is a long open road ahead of you going to who knows where. Enjoy the road, take your eyes off the destination and enjoy the road. Feel the wind telling you to slow down, pace yourself.

Peace :)

Denver!

So I realize it's been a while since I blogged, but oh well. I am contemplating deleting my blog in general, but for now, I will share some highlights of my trip to Denver as I just moved my sister to her new humble abode!

1) truck stops- We spent about 45 min to an hour sitting at a truck stop trying to figure out why the moving truck's check engine light was on. I sat and read for my online class...other than that it was pretty uneventful. Moral of the story: TRUCK STOPS ARE BORING!

2)shaved cats- My aunt and uncle got their cats groomed for the summer and they literally shaved everything but their heads and feet. They looked like little lions with Ugg boots! haha so cute. Moral of the story: CATS SHOULD KEEP THEIR FUR

3) Ralph Snooze Coffee Guy- There was this really good looking guy at this delicious breakfast restaurant called snooze. He was wearing a Ralph Lauren shirt and I accidentally cut in front of him in the coffee line. You know me though, I have to have my coffee or I don't function, and clearly I don't notice when people are in line....that's ok, he was nice and let me go anyway. Moral of the Story: COFFEE ALWAYS WINS!

4)rain: Rain is cool! Me and my sister rode bikes to downtown Denver on 4th of July and walked around 16th street mall. Then, the skies opened up and rain started to fall (name that movie quote). As everyone rushed from the streets into the covered stores nearby, I was perfectly content standing on the bridge we were on, looking at the beautiful city, in my sister's borrowed camoflage tee and letting the water hit me. As I would look up at the sky, I could see the drops coming right towards me (and eventually hit my eyes, not the best idea), and I was perfectly content. Moral of the story: LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS, IT'S ABOUT LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN :)

5) Surrey bikes- Rode around Washington park on a surrey bike, you know the ones that hold like 6 people? So much fun, we felt like we were on display. Moral of the story: ANYONE CAN BE COOL IF THEY HAVE A SURREY ;)

6)Biff it- Both my sister and I totally biffed it off of my Aunt's bike that we borrowed. We literally just fell like a tree being cut down, like plop on the ground out of nowhere haha... Moral of the story: SENSITIVE BREAKS + FEET STRAPS ON THE PEDALS= KERRR---PLOP!!

7)Scenic drives with my Uncle- Moral of the story: COLORADO IS BEAUTIFUL!

8) British accents are cool- So, my chain broke on my bike, and as me and my sister were stranded trying to fix it, a nice couple with British accents walked up! They were really from New Zealand, but they were the nicest couple ever! The man helped us get the chain back on, and the lady was prepared with hand wipes so we could wash the nasty black stuff off our hands. They were so cute, visiting their son and his "wee baby" (said with an accent). Moral of the story: BRITISH ACCENTS REALLY ARE THE COOLEST, AND THE PEOPLE ARE COOL TOO :)

9)Early flights suck- So I booked a 6am flight home thinking, Oh yes I can get home and still be able to work. Clearly it did not register that I would be getting up and leaving by 4:15 am to get to the airport....well I look at my phone when I wake up and it's 5am! One hour before my flight left and it took 30min to get to the airport. So I rush to the airport with 25min til my flight left...Sadly, even though I already checked in, they wouldn't print my boarding pass. Even if I did have my boarding pass, there's no way I would have made it through security in time...So they put me on stand-by. So here I am, sitting in the airport waiting and hoping that somebody goes through my exact situation so I can get on the full flight home. Ironic huh? Moral of the story: NO EARLY FLIGHTS, NO MATTER HOW INVINSIBLE YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL ALWAYS SLEEP TOO LATE!

Anyways, those are the highlights of my trip. All in all, it was a good one, and as much as I am excited for my sister starting her life, I will miss her terribly! I love you, sister and wish you best of luck in CO :)

Avatar

Just got done watching Avatar with my parents. (Yes, I have nothing better to do on a Friday night than hang with my parents...I love them, but still)...Not that I'm hear to wallow in self pity, on the contrary, I think deep down there isn't any other way I would have like to spend the first night of my weekend. I think the only reason why I would be wallowing in self pity is because of the pressure people put on the weekend as a time to get out, THEY see it as pity, I see it as relaxation :)

Anyway, now that I wasted a paragraph on that, let me get to Avatar. I personally think it is a pretty bomb movie. It's one of those movies that leaves you with a feeling... I don't know how to describe the feeling, but I get it sometimes after watching movies. It's, in a way, an uplifting feeling, a sense that all is right with the world. Now, this feeling from Avatar can be a result of several things (1) the spectacular, beautiful creation that is that land that they live in (2) the triumphant victory between of good over evil (3) the overall deep and peaceful connection the creatures have with their world and eachother.

I could go on, but I just realized that I'm extremely tired.... basically my point is how often I find myself wrapped up in another world, a world of ideals, filled with disappointment when those ideals never come true. Why not live in the present? Accept life's imperfections and love life more for it... Christ does that for us, He loves us despite our numerous failures. Why can't we have the same respect and love for the life He has given us? Why must we flood our heads with the false realities seen in movies? When did we let the ideal of someone else's life, someone else's story cloud our perceptions of our own life? These questions are generalized...but they are really directed at myself.

Flying in an airplane...

So as I sit here at starbucks drinking my quad-shot venti caramel machiatto that I got for free :) I am attempting to do some much needed self reflection, but all the comes to mind is a Barney song that makes me think of the little girl I work with. The song goes like this...



"Flying in an airplane, looking out the window

watching the clouds go by..

Flying in an airplane, looking out the window

up so very high..."



So Miya sings this every time we are playing outside and an airplane flies overhead (it's so cute!). Ironically, I think this is the only song that can accurately begin to express where I have been for the last month and a half or so. You see, I feel like I have just been watching the clouds in my life go by, like yes my physical body is here in the present, but my mind is in the clouds just watching the time pass. I'm just up in the air disconnected from the world that I've known, flying in circles with no direction.



April came and went, May is almost half way gone...all the while the clouds were passing by. I've been spread too thin, putting my faith in the clouds. The clouds change, the clouds dissappear, they aren't reliable. I've been left with nothing but blue sky, empty and lost. I want to begin my descent back to reality, back to the core of who I am, back to Christ. I want to be present in this world, living for the sole purpose of Christ. May this summer be one of discovery, one of change, one of growth. May I reach my destination with a successful landing. May He welcome me with open arms as I get off that airplane, and may He remind me that He had been in the cockpit, flying my plane the entire time, never leaving my side.

The Wrist of an Artist...

Blah blah blah...i am really bored in class right now. Just one week and this will be over! Hooray for summer :) Anybody else excited? I am, super stoked! (yes i just said "stoked") did i say i was bored? we are learning about practicing in my motor development class at the moment...guess what? IT'S COMPLEX!! Haha the conclusion of every one of his lectures basically says it's complex, and that it is...that it is...d



So how to study? We shall see, but it will be complex...you can be sure of this.



Well did i mention i am bored? yeah....so i will now tell you my finals schedule



Thurs 7:30am--ANATOMY!!

Fri 7:30am--PHYSICAL ACTIVITY PSYCH!!

Fri 4:50pm--ACCOUNTING!!

Mon 9:40--MOTOR DEVELOPMENT!!



Should be fun, i have a schedule for studying...we shall see if I stick with it. Did I mention I am bored? You must be bored too if you are still reading this pointless, waste of time post. Let's be bored together!



I am hungry...bored and hungry...i need some food, DESPERATELY!! I wish we could like virtually eat, you know like overthe internet and the food just comes out our computer? Ha wouldn't that be sweet?



Are you still reading this?! Get a life! Haha, I think I should too...or maybe I should pay attention in school. But did I mention I cannot wait until summer?! Just a week away!! It's like the final stretch of a race...motivation where are you?



Ok, I'm out...sorry to be uninteresting and uninspired....



PEACE!!

(By the way, did you think the title sounded inspiring? haha tricked ya!)

Birdcage Religion

"Who I've sworn to be

a promise in pencil

that years have made so hard to read.

I've spent my life building walls

brick by brick and bruise by bruise...

a birdcage religion that whispered me to sleep.

but time is spinning silk

that coils ruthlessly;

with the devil's patience,

it binds my hands so quietly

that soon it becomes a part of me

so soften these edges and straighten out my tie.

and help me remember

the hope that I have compromised

Please be a broken record for me"

Sleeping at Last Song "Birdcage Religion"

These guys are really good, you should check them out if you haven't yet! Anywho, I got their CD on Friday at a concert I went to, and the song above really hit me...it pretty much explains exactly what I have been feeling for the passed few days.

Let's take this line by line...lines 1-3:

"Who I've sworn to be, a promise in pencil, that years have made so hard to read."

The promise I have made to God...a promise to make Christ the center of my life, to actively follow His teachings and truth...a promise to give of myself freely as Christ gave His life for me, with a humbleness only counteracted by the fulfillment of Christ in my life...not of works, but of GRACE... Is this promise temporarily written in pencil? Has it been distorted throughout my life as I constantly work to fulfill my selfish desires? Unfortunately...YES...

Lines 4-6:

"I've spent my life building walls, brick by brick and bruise by bruise...a birdcage religion that whispered me to sleep."

Somewhere along the line, I think most of my life in fact, I have built walls. These are walls that separate me from the outside world, walls that I have put it place to be my safety net. It is, in a way, my own personal defense I have made for myself so that I no longer experience hurt in times of trouble. It's my birdcage, keeping me safe from harm but at the cost of an immense feeling of isolation and loneliness. Also, when I think of a birdcage, I think of the ultimate purpose of it. Not only does it keep a bird in a safe environment, but it also serves to put the bird on display. Thus, it follows that "birdcage religion" would be (a) building up walls, keeping others from coming in (b) saying or doing what you think is right because that's what you feel you are supposed to do, because you are on display and under the scrutiny of others. Like the song says, it is very easy to fall asleep, to simply rest in the works of it all as well as the isolation as a result of the walls. We can be asleep for so long and not even realize it. I've been asleep. Now that I've woken up, I am struck by an enormous sense of guilt and disgust at my ugly heart. It's like I've woken up, but I haven't been able to get out of bed. Do you know that feeling? You just want to snooze for a little while longer.

I've been feeling disconnected from God the last few days. I know the answer of how to fix it, seek after Him, jus give it to God. "Let go and let God"... but saying it and knowing it is a lot harder then stepping out of bed and doing it.

Now for the rest of the song, lines 7-15:

I don't want to be bound anymore by the devil wasting my time. I don't want to live my life asleep, I want to be alive and moving and doing...I pray the God will indeed restore the hope that I have compromised within myself, within these walls. Somehow, some way I want this to happen, even if it's like a broken record.... I saw this little boy on the lightrail this morning. He was trying to get his mom's attention, so he said her name over and over and over. The mom was busy listening to her ipod and texting on her phone, but she never actually gave her son the attention he deserved. I don't want to be that mother. I don't want to be so distracted that I won't listen to the constant call of Christ in my life. He is like the little boy, continuously calling my name, waiting for me to listen and respond...maybe that's what it will take to get me out of bed, the broken record of God's call...I pray that I will be able to listen.

Allergies...

There is this song on the Elizabethtown soundtrack that has this lyric that always makes me stop and think... the song is "Words" by Ryan Adams and the lyric is this: "If everybody is grateful, how come nobody is satisfied?"

I think this is so true. We all can say we are grateful, we all may actually be grateful, but can we say that we are truly satisfied?

Consider this: I heard somewhere something I know to be true reguarding allergies. Truth: people in third world countries do not have allergies. Now, I am no scientist but from what I heard (an unreliable source since I do not remember where I heard it from), I think it is because people in third world countries are already fighting off disease. Their bodies are so consumed with fighting life-threatening diseases that they have no room for allergies. So, we in the thriving community that we live in have the resources to fight against those major diseases, yet our bodies still search for something else to fight off...allergies. So, our bodies are not satisfied with just being healthy, its like we unknowingly have a natural discomfort and discontentedness with reguards to health.

I feel like growing up in a Consumeristic (yup I just made up that word) society, I have found myself seeking gratification in certain things here on Earth. I will call these my "allergies"; these are things I seek after despite the blessings I already have. What are your allergies? They aren't just material things either, it could be something we are looking forward to. Like, if are dissatisfied with the situation we are currently in, just looking for the day when X, Y, or Z happens, then X, Y, and Z are our allergies. These allergies are what plague our society and create the dissatisfaction, thus resulting in our search for more....

What if we were satisfied through the Lord? Psalm 107:9 says "For He has satisfied the thirsty soul, and the hungry soul he has filled with what is good." I would love to say that I am satisfied 100% of the time through Christ, but I am not. So many times I find myelf looking in a different direction. Sure, it's easy to be satisfied in the good time, but what about the hard times? I think that is when we are most suseptible to allergies in life.

To sort of finalize my thoughts, I think it all comes down to humility. If we humble ourselves in the sight of the Lord, He will fill us up again and satisfy our needs. Only then will our hearts be completely satisfied. Now talking about it is one thing, doing it is another. My allergies are bad this season, what will I do to fix it?

Peace :)

Ninja-Jedi-Warrior-Dog

This is how the day started...not so well...

This is how I feel now! Nothing like pretending to be a puppy dog/slash ninja-Jedi-Warrior on the trampoline with some cool little kiddos to brighten your day! That and a good convo with the BIG GUY :)



"Heal my heart and make it clean,
Open up my eyes to the things unseen,
SHOW ME HOW TO LOVE LIKE YOU HAVE LOVED ME..."


Shout out to Trinity Nance for the amazing mix you made me and to Ben Peters for the Phil Wickham Sing-a-long CD!! They made my day as well while they accompanied me amongst my many travels :)

Broken Window Fallacy

This pic was taken on the webcam on my new laptop! It's kinda funky cuz the sun was hitting the camera weirdly, but this is the setting of my blogging. The fountain outside the business school at ASU, I sit here writing to the music of the water rushing through the fountain...so peaceful :)

Did you guys ever learn about the Broken window fallacy in econ? Basically, someone suggested that some one breaking a window (someone else's window) would stimulate the economy because of the measures that it would take to fix the window (the glass guy, etc.) However, this is a fallacy because it is not true, the cost of fixing the window and the un-voluntary-ness of the exchange makes it actually a detrimimant to the economy. If you want to know a more clear, and accurate explanation, look it up on google.

Though this is a fallacy, and stealing and vandalism is WRONG, I think the original person who thought of this as somewhat of the right idea. I think it is important to always look for the good in every situation, even if it is an unfortunate one which seems to have no positivities to it. You see, this passed weekend, I was a victim of the Broken Window, someone thought to benefit from breaking my car window and stealing my laptop. Now, I don't understand why...wait scratch that I think it might have something to do with the fact that I left it out in the open on my passenger seat and they probably thought they would somehow benefit from the situation. Survival of the fittest I guesss, every man for himself. Now my reaction was full of tears, not for the laptop and window for they can be replaced, but I was crying out of the violated feeling I felt, a feeling that I wasn't safe. I also think that it brought a sense of disappointment in my heart; I was disappointed in humanity. I guess I had developed a certain optimism for this world; that it is filled with good and genuine people. The fact is though, that we are all broken and full of sin. I feel so blessed to have been set free through my faith in Jesus Christ, but so many in this world are slaves to sin. I just pray that they will someday find the fullfillment in life that only Christ can bring. So, this is one positive thing that I can take from this situation, at least my eyes and heart are now open to the broken people in this world, I just pray that I can let them in, with open arms and be a light unto this world, that they may come and know the true Savior.

Another thing I learned from this situation, is to be aware of my possessions and surroundings. So often, especially when I am stressed out, I tend to focus only on what I need to do. I become like a walking zombie, completely unaware of the people and places around me and entirely immersed in my thoughts. Hence, the reason I left my laptop without even thinking completely exposed in my car. Now, in one of my classes we talked about this concept of perceptual narrowing. This concept is based on the idea that when your body is in a physically aroused state (i.e. stress or anxiety), you have a greater ability to focus, hence your perceptions narrow on to this specific object/task. Now, this concept is only supposed to pertain to motor control, but I think it relates to life in general as well. Before, I mentioned my focus on only the task at hand when I am stressed, and my inability to see the broad picture. Well, what if I was able to focus that energy toward God. You know, be aroused for God...I believe this would be what truly being on fire for God would look like. To be excited and physically aroused for Him, our perceptions and thoughts would turn toward Him and allow us to narrow our focus on God. Insodoing, not only will it give us peace within ouselves, but it would translate to the world around us. Because walking with Christ not only involves loving and focusing on God, but the second greatest commandment is loving and focusing on others.

So, in short, being on fire for God will inturn enhance our focus on God which will in turn open our eyes and hearts for the people of this world.

Now, I hope this makes sense to anyone who reads it, probably doesn't but oh well. Here are some photos of things that I have noticed by simply opening my eyes :)

Random spheres statue by lightrail, don't know what it means but it looks pretty cool :)

I took a different route to school today, and I found this sculpture randomly...it adds flair to life :)

Flowers on the lightrail...added beauty that may usually go unnoticed...

Peace be to all... and to all a good night!

God has brought an overwhelming sense peace on something thats been creating a great deal of turmoil within my heart and I am so grateful :)

Now time for some random fun:

"I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart where? Down in my heart to stay!"

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!"

"Jesus loves me this I know.."

"Oh happy day, when Jesus washed, he washed my sins away!"

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paaaaaaaths straight!"

Haha peace! Have a good day :)

La-di-da

Here's a fun pic I edited on picnik...yay for picnik!

So I think I have writers block...I over the past few weeks I started writing 3 posts, but none of them seemed all that great to me. Or they didn't the the point across that I wanted...so ya it seems like a while since I wrote and I wanted to write something, sorry it's not interesting. Can I just say that I want to fall in love? Just putting that out there. Reading books and watching movies has convinced me that I want that. Even though that is just pop culture and the media, I have fallen victim to it lol....patience, I know that's what I need, but it doesn't mean I don't have the desire in my heart. God knows the desires of my heart... Psalm37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Hope you all are doing well! Peace :)

FANNY PACKS!!

As I sit here in downtown in University Center eating my deliciously scrumptions cup of Campbell's Chunky Sirloin Burger with country vegetables fresh from my favorite (and only successful) means of cooking and actively avoiding much needed studying, I think (aside from realizing that this opening clause was slightly excessively long and descriptive) about none other than FANNY PACKS!! You might say to yourself "Fanny Packs? That's so random..." Why yes, fellow bloggers, fanny packs are very random, but if you do not know me or have yet to figure this out about me, I have very random thoughts. You could say that it is the curse of the inability to shut my mind off which, in many cases, turns in to the inability to speak and communicate clearly thus resulting many confused faces starring back at me and massive insecurities on my part...Case in point: this last sentence...

Anyways, now that I have fully rambled to the point that you all have most likely lost interest, I feel like I should now talk about fanny packs and how underappreciated they are in our society. My parents recently got back from a trip and as I was leaving their place on Sunday, I noticed my mom's fanny pack on the kitchen table (she had plopped it there upon her return, which is somewhat uncharacteristic as she tends to keep everything in its proper place, a skill I have yet to inherit from her). Upon seeing this, my first instinct was to smile to myself at the fact that, yes, my mother owns a fanny pack...not only owns one, but she wears one in public...

Then I thought, why do we have this view of fanny packs? It's the view that they are an object of some joke, like if you want make someone smile or laugh, talk about fanny packs...why is that? I mean, I think the name itself is pretty funny...anything with the word "fanny" is funny in my opinion.

Here's a brief history of THE FANNY PACK... it came to popularity in the late 80s to mid-90s and according to Wikipedia is considered "a sure mark for an out-of-place tourist, invoking the traditional tourist stereotypes known around the world." Now I realize in school Wikipedia is not a reliable source, but for the purposes of this blog, I think it will suffice.

Now that I have rambled to the point where I would be shocked if anyone is still reading (Kudos to you if you are), here is the main point I want to get at...BEING A CHRISTIAN IS LIKE WEARING A FANNY PACK...there if nothing else, thats what I want to say in this blog post. As Christians, we are often ridiculed for our beliefs... 2 Timothy 3:12 says "everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted." It's just a fact of life. We are in this world, but not of this world…God calls us to live differently, that is why the world cannot accept us. It’s in scripture…John 15:18-19 “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to this world, if would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of this world. That is why the world hates you.” It’s like the fanny pack, the world hates/ridicules the fanny packer (I should trademark that term) because it stands out, it’s the mark of the foreign tourist, someone who doesn’t belong. We as Christians are the foreign tourists, we are tourists to this world, we don’t belong here. We belong with our King and we are here on this earth just for a little while, we are just visiting until our Lord finishes preparing a place for us to spend eternity with Him.

So, I don’t know about you, but sometimes I am afraid of my fanny pack…no not ashamed, but I am not openly exposing it for the world to see. It’s like it’s stored away in my closet, just waiting to be found. Why is that? Why do I let my faith sit hidden in my closet? Why can’t I wear it on my fanny and be proud of it? I mean, think about fanny packs, they really are practical. They allow for a hands-free, shoulder-free, pain-free way to hold the necessities. You don’t need to take it off to sit, or stand, or walk…you can carry it everywhere, all the time with little hassle. Isn’t our relationship with God just as practical? He provides us with security and love, he carries the weight of our sins so we don’t have to and he is with us always. So why do I let the fear of worldly ridicule and judgment keep me from openly wearing my faithful fanny pack with pride? I want to wear it, I don’t want to hide it. I want to walk in to that foreign land, out of my comfort zone, armed with the Holy Spirit fanny pack, ready to stand firm in my faith against all the contesting remarks of my peers….this strength and courage can only come from the Lord. My hope and prayer is that I can accept and embrace this strength and use it as a tool to live my life solely and completely for my God…I pray that you will to and that together we can shake the nation and the world. Do you have your fanny pack ready?...I’ll go find mine….

On my mind...

Things that are on my mind...

1. thank you so much to the cute guy wearing a beanie who gave up his seat on the light rail so I could work on my computer!

2. What is the point of a sweater that has sleeves that don't go all the way down your arm? After all, the whole point of a sweater is to keep you warm right? so how is a 3/4 sleeve supposed to keep you warm, especially on a rainy day?

3. Thank you Mr. Anatomy teacher guy for showing this video before class... totally made my day! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzzjgBAaWZw

4. Just realized it's free pastry day at starbucks...we shall see if I can get one!

5. We are speaking about peace at Ember tonight...exactly what I need to find somehow with my 4 tests next week...

6. Exhaustion has taken over me...pray that I make it throught the day/ week

7. This exhaustion has led to extreme lack of motivation in all aspects of my life...especially my God time, let's just say I don't remember the last time I opened my Bible outside of church time...pray for that too...

8. tubinate choncha is a cool word

9. I should probably be paying attention in class, I need to get life together...

10. the stalking cat is still making me laugh inside hahaha

Have a good and blessed day!

Do you dare?

This past Sunday, I was feeling really stuck…one of the things that led to the discomfort I talked about in my last post. See, I feel like I sort of live in a bubble, with this sort of closed off view of the world. I’m only 19 and there is so much in this world that I haven’t experienced, so there was a part of me that just wanted to take matters in to my own hands. So, you can imagine the excitement I felt when my fortune cookie from Panda Express said “Be daring. Try something different.” I took this as a sign that maybe I should branch out, maybe I should take matters into my own hands and just take chances. Haha, I thought of the saying in the Magic School Bus “Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!” So, I was restless for achieving my own desires (which might I add were completely of this world, and for my own personal gain). Ironically, we talked about patience at Ember this week, just what my restless heart needed to hear. So this changed my interpretation of my fortune, and here’s how…

Christianity is based on a huge massive dare. I’m not talking about just accepting Christ as your Savior. Yes that is a huge leap of faith giving yourself to God, but I’m talking about what happens after…I’m talking about the sanctification, the living out of God’s call on your life to live like Jesus. Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount demonstrates this. Basically, what Jesus says in Matthew 5 is one big DARE.

About murder he says 21 "You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'You shall not murder, [a] and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister [b] will be subject to judgment.” About adultery he says, 27 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' [d] 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” He holds us to a higher standard when he says 33 "Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.' 34 But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God's throne; 35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King.” And when he says, 38 "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' [g] 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.” And finally, 43 "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor [h] and hate your enemy.' 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven.

Basically, Jesus recognizes what has been taught, and He dares us to go one step further to live that much more like Christ. He has set up a challenge, and it is our decision to take that and live a new way. There should be a warnings sign with this though…with a big YOU WILL FAIL written on it. Because we are human, we are sinners and we will fail, but who says we can’t try? Who says we can’t be daring? Why not try to be more like Christ? After all, as His followers, that’s the way we are called to live right?

So I want to dare to live like this. I want to dare to be patient, I want to dare to love my enemies, I want to step up to the challenge and (dare I say it) dare to be different. I dare you to try too. Do you dare?

Paralysis to Discomfort

Lately, I have been doing this thing...I've been making my facial expressions match my thoughts. For instance, if I am perturbed, I scrunch up my face (see picture above) or if I think of something funny I smile or laugh to myself...I don't even realize I am doing it until after I have done it. It's weird and I probably look like a crazy person when I do it, but oh well...maybe that's a certain behavior I will work on eliminating...

Anyways, the last few days (namely yesterday) have been full of the scrunchy face, spured from the discomfort within my heart. The paralysis that encompassed my week last week has turned to this discomfort; this restlessness is more like that tingling feeling you get when your foot is asleep...you can feel it but it is extremely uncomfortable and annoying. Allow me to elaborate on the sources of my discomfort...



First... my reliance on Christian music and literature. This makes me feel guilty. I feel extremely close to God through music (Phil Wickham is my guilty pleasure). I also get a lot out of Christian books (most recently The Screwtape Letters)...My problem is getting more out of both of these things than out of the Bible. I have been reading the Bible more often than I have in the past, but still I find myself relying on other things. The Bible is the Sword of Truth...its the device God gives us to defend Him and share Him with the world. The Word is the most important, tangible object we as Christians have and I find myself relying on other things...how pathetic is that? I think I have developed a poor attitude for the Bible over time. I partly blame growing up in AWANA...not that it is a bad program, but I participated in the wrong way. If you don't know what AWANA is, you go through activity books memorizing verses along the way. That was my sole objective, not to learn but to memorize. I memorized simply for the reason to get through the book, it was a competition for me to see how many verses I could memorize and I never took the time to understand what I was memorizing... Also, growing up in the church, I feel like I have heard the stories before, and I harden my heart. I call this the "Church Kid Syndrome"... I think what I need is a Bible Study...not one that goes through a Christian book, but a study that goes through the Bible. So that we read the Bible and discuss, anyone interested? Thats the only way I can think of to rid myself of this aspect of my discomfort...



Second...is time. What am I doing with my time? I feel like it's nothing, I feel like I am coasting and not actively living. james 4:14 "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." This is so true...I don't know what will happen tomorrow, so why should I worry? Why should I live in fear of the future? I think one of the biggest ways Satan works is through wasting our time and moving our focus from the present and into the future or the past. When our thoughts are in the future, there are a few things that can happen. 1) we get caught up in false realities that we create for ourselves which I like to call "extreme day dreams" (clever rhyme huh?). This is when we picture the way we expect our lives to play out and get so caught up in this that we start believing it to be true (not in a crazy psycho way but a hopeful way). It's problematic when these thought occupy our mind to the extent that we fail to live in the present, and when life fails to live up to our expectations, it can leave lasting and bitter effects. 2) we get caught up in the fear of the unknown. Here's the deal, we don't know our future, we have NO way of knowing, so for control freaks like me, this unknown life ahead creates fear. You would think that I would find comfort in having the God of the universe on my side and in control of my life, yet for some reason...I live in fear. Now it is also common to get stuck in the past...this is where my mind goes a lot of the time. Thinking about the past builds up so much regret for me that it's not even funny. This regret tangles up my mind and soul so that I am wrapped in the past and not the present. News Flash: WE CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST! No matter how much we want to, we can't...so why consume our time trying to live in the past? It's pathetic...

So I feel like I lack living in the Present...going back to the verse in James...What is my life? What am I doing in my life right now...going to school, which I won't see the benefits of for a few years...working, but not as much as I would like, so I'm bitter and not willing to embrace the joy that my job once (does) give me...other than that I feel like I am stagnant, I have hit a wall. I want to change that, in some way I want to change my perspective into living in the present. I think of a great quote from an amazing movie (Kung Fu Panda) "The past is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift thats why they call it the present!" Let's use our gift, let's not let the mist fade, lets live and love TODAY...

I don't know how, but I want to try. I want to rid myself of the annoying sensation of the discomfort in my heart. Somehow, someway I want normalcy.

Raging Sea

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep'
Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You'll never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You
Ohhh

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You
Ohhh

**Good song, on my mind

Spiritual Paralysis

My soul is numb... my heart is paralyzed... unable to feel, unable to move, unable to learn, unable to grow. I don't know if it's unable or just unwilling...it's like when your spinal cord is damaged, cutting off all sensation and also the ability to move. I don't know why I feel this way; I don't know how to move forward. I know where I should turn my eyes, but I don't know how or even if I am willing. I could be comfortable here, after all, I can't feel the pain right? But is the absence of pain worth the sacrifice of joy as well? Is this complacency a comfort or a burden; is it worth it?



It's amazing how quickly your feelings of contentment can change; it's amazing how much your mood can dictate your actions and your overall view of your day. It's amazing how often we let other things dictate our moods as well.



I have one proposed cause of my numbness problem. It's something I have somewhat known about myself for a majority of my life, and something I want to change but I don't know how. And I think this has caused my spiritual paralysis. Allow me to ellaborate...



**Disclaimer: I have no idea if this will make sense, but I will try to lay it our clearly...



*** Side note: i just noticed it was 11:11 and I wished for happiness...how pathetic is that? wishing for happiness lol

Ok so finally, I will elaborate. Always throughout my life I have been extrinsically motivated, which means motivate by things other than myself. Of course, this is the worst type of motivation to have because it is so circumstantial. I have always been the type of person who wants to please everyone, I gain my satisfaction ans self worth in recieving praise and external rewards. I am not proud of this and I have lied to myself for so long, telling myself that I am my own person and I am who I am regardless of what other people think or how they react. But, I am sad to say this is false. No matter how much I want it to be the contrary, it isn't. You know what? I think this is to some extent an innate human characteristic. We are meant to be in relationship with one another, we are meant to have human contact. I heard of this experiment one time where they took some babies and gave them no physical or verbal contact other than the food they needed...they didn't survive past a few weeks.

So it's no secret that we need human contact and to be mindful of our interactions with people, but it is when we let others determine our actions that this becomes problematic. It's when we rely so much on others that our own personal strength and the strength that God has on our lives disappears. So, I know this and have becomre aware of the prevalence of this in my life and I want to change, but this change will not happen overnight and it will not happen unless I truly open up to God and let it...It is extremely hard to change the way you have thought and acted your whole life.

I think this is why I am numb...I have made the decision to change my thought process but I have no idea how to act on it. It's like finding out that Santa Claus doesn't exist. All of my hope has been falsly placed in other people's hands, not in God's, and as a result, I don't know how to move forward, I don't know how to experience the true, genuine love of our Creator and Savior. I just don't know...

Wedding Bells

{Found this pic on someone's blog and I absolutely adore it :) }

As I sit here in Civic Space Park in downtown Phoenix, with my free Fair Trade Cafe Coffee in hand, in what I have coined as my spot (semi-awkardly using a trash can as my back rest), I finally have time to think and reflect on something that has consumed my mind for the past few days. With the wave of tests over, I finally feel like I can do this.


**pause** some random guy just came up to the trash can I am leaning on and spit like 5 times in there...he then proceeded to pace back and forth and hover...such is the essence of dowtown Phoenix I guess...MOVING ON...haha sorry for the tangent

Ironically, something that has been on my heart this week is the desire to be married...which is totally random seeing as I am as single as you can get and have no prospects at the moment. Which is usually how I keep it, no attachments or feelings to tie me down or get in the way. And I know I'm still young and there is so much I want to do with my life before I get tied down, but for some reason I have been thinking about marriage. I love the romance of it all, the man looking at the bride as if he is looking at the most beautiful object in the universe...the beauty of the flowers and the dress...the true essence of love in the air...it's magical! It's beautiful!

Aside from the beauty of the wedding itself, I think what I am currently obsessed with is the life that a husband and wife have together. I see cute pictures of young married couples who just look so happy and so in love, and I just yearn for that...I yearn for the security that comes with having someone to share your life with, someone you love....

That's it! Thats what I want....I want the security that comes with the marriage. It's the knowledge that I won't end up alone, it's the comfort of being taken care of and loved and cherished and able to have a true life companion. I have this fear, one of my biggest fears in fact is ending up alone. It's not being alone, it's ending up alone. I would consider myself an independent person. I like to do stuff on my own, accomplish something on my own, get over things on my own...I distance myself for that reason, for the knowledge that I don't need anybody. It's problematic because I am afraid that if I keep up with this independence, that I will always be alone. I fear the future, I fear the unknown, and I fear the thought of waking up one day as the crazy cat lady...having lived this whole life without truly living it.

Truth is, I know I'm never truly alone, I know that my life is not in my hands, it's in God's...and I know that He has bigger plans for me than I could ever imagine. So I yearn for the security of a marriage...a physical, earthly marriage because it will bring me tangible security, but what I know in my head but have been unable to accept in my heart, is that living a life for Christ brings a spiritual sense of security through the Holy Spirit and God actively working in my life. He is my shelter and strength, He is my refuge, my safe place, my secure place...on my own I can do nothing, but all things are possible through Christ. This is the hardest part for me, as someone who is so independent, to rely on God and have faith...to let go of myself and my own need for control...so so hard.

So as I struggle with myself, with the unknown and truly finding peace in God's plan for my life, I look forward to the day when He comes again. Scripture puts it as the church is God's bride and when He comes again, it will be like a beautiful wedding. I think of Phil Wickham's song "Beautiful" that last verse of the song always puts a smile on my face and in my heart..."When we arrive at eternity's shore, when death is just a memory and tears are no more. We'll enter in as the weddingbells ring. Your bride will come together and we'll sing...you're beautiful." I think of this glorious moment coming together and just basking in the beauty of the Lord and look forward to that moment. And I wait in anticipation when I can experience that beauty here on earth, on my wedding day...if it is God's will.

The possibilities in life are endless, it's about anticipating them and welcoming them with open arms and without fear...today I pray that I can't let go of this fear, after all "Perfect love casts out all fear" right? :)

The past revealed...

Wow, it seems like I am blogging a lot lately, which usually means I am avoiding doing what I should be doing (which is studying for the 2 tests I have in about an hour and a half)...



So this past weekend, I stayed at my parents' house, which is pretty much what I have to do on the weekends to have some sort of social life lol. Anyway, while there I came across this old little black book. No, not the kind that is full of peoples' phone numbers, but a little black book of God, or at least recorded notes/ minutes of old sermons. This belonged to my Grandmother on my mom's side. I don't know why, but I found this book completely intriguing. You see, my grandmother died when my mom was very young, so I have never known her and up until now, I never pictured her alive. I have always seen her as gone, passed away, some relative in a far off place never to be seen by my eyes, never to be heard by my ears, never to be embraced by my arms...I never thought of her life or the fact that she actually lived. To be honest, I even forgot her name as I had to shamefully ask my mother what it was. You could call me heartless, or ignorant for not knowing or wondering about my grandmother, but I just never got the chance to have a connection with her.



For some reason, this little black book opened up a whole new portion of my life, the history of a family I never knew. You see, this book was a record of a small group my Grandma attended back in 1945/1946...when she was about my age. They called themselves Sigma Rho Chi, they wanted to sound proper with a greek letter name...haha it seems like something I would do with my friends. It was their club, their Christian club, their community. They would meet once a week and do outside activities like bowling and going to the theater in NYC. Normal stuff, like what I have at Ember. For some reason, this connection to her has really resonated with me. She was at the point that I am at in my life, single, but surrounded by a strong community of God-loving people, just doing life together.

I wish I could have known her. I wish I could have talked to her about faith, life in general. I hear stories from friends who learn so much from their grandparents. I am down to one and I love him, but I only see him once a year...my heart breaks for my Grandmother and the relationship we never had. As I am writing this, I feel tears welling up inside me, partially cuz of my inabilty to meet her, but also for my neglect to know anything about her til now.

But you know what? Even though I have never met her, I still admire her. From what my mama says, her life could not have been easy, yet she kept faith. If I can learn nothing else from her, this would be enough...to keep my faith in times of struggle. She eventually met my grandfather in a church small group as well. Somehow, this gives me hope as well, that God will provide. He will provide according to His will, and His time. I feel like He is shaping me and my life in ways I can't imagine and can't even begin to understand. Even though my Grandma's life was cut short at a relatively early age, I am convinced that she lived a fulfilled life. And as a result of her struggles and the struggles my mom's side of the family faced in general, I feel so blessed to have the life that I have. They all faced trials so that I wouldn't have to. My grandma wasn't able to afford college, but I am blessed with that opportunity. So here's to my Grandma Doris, whom I have never met but look forward to seeing someday :)

Lisa Land

Just for fun!

So after doing some evaluation of my inner psyche...I have discovered a place that I like to call Lisa Land! Lisa Land is located in the innermost portion of my being through connections between my brain and my soul. So today I will give you a little glimpse of Lisa Land...just a fare-warning, it is a confusing and contradictory place that I guess you would consider an oxy moron....

In Lisa Land:

I want nothing, yet everything

I strive for independence, yet I long for companionship

I want depth, yet out of fear, I stay on the surface

I want love, yet I don't know how to give it

I yearn for greatness, yet I stay complacent

I am a dreamer, yet a failure

I am free, yet I feel so constrained

My head says one thing that my lips seem unable to articulate

I am clumsy, yet controlled

I am everywhere and nowhere

I am unorganized, yet put together

I am weak, yet invincible

I am me...crazy old me...as conflicted as anyone...I am a walking oxymoron and I live in a land all my own...but I am cool with that...Are you? Cuz I know someone who is beyond cool with that, He loves that and accepts me just as I am...He is the King of Lisa Land and reigns over my life...Do you know Him? Maybe you two will be introduced soon :)

Horses, Horses, Horses, Horses

I drove past a farm/house place the other day with a whole bunch of horses. It's over on Elliot east of Power if you know where I'm talking about. I took my eyes off the road (not too long, I am a good driver...occasionally) and I looked at the horses all couped up in their little fenced in area. There were at least ten of them, and they were just sitting there (some were standing there). It made me think of their lives, they have people to feed them and groom them and take care of them, basically do everything for them except the occasional horseback ride. My first thought was what an easy life that must be. This goes for pets in general too, I mean how nice would it be not to have any worries or struggles, how nice would it be to get everything handed to us? But then I thought, where is the life experience in that? What good is being taken care of if you stay couped up all the time, unable to see the world and experience new, and sometimes bad, things?

I know I sometimes feel that life is too hard, that my struggles are too much to handle. Especially when I am feeling down, it's so easy to get stuck, to feel like I can't or don't want try to be happy and see the brighter side to things. It's when this happens that I think of the horses, how easy they have it. But you know what, they don't get to experience the world like I do, they don't get to experience God's creation, or his love. The best thing about struggles is that we have the ability to learn from them, the ability to grow as a person because of those negative experiences. This time last week, I was down in my circumstances and consumed by negativity, but you know what, in the past week I have been fortunate enough to come out of that, to see the bigger picture. Because the truth is, God placed us on this planet to live and love; he placed us here as a part of His plan. And our struggles are a part of that plan, he calls us to persevere and build character and hope in Him. I have so much hope for my life knowing that God will work through it, that He will be there throughout the pain and the joy alike. Yes, we could have an easy life all constricted inside the fence, but where's God in that? His love has no bounds...let's love life and life's opportunities and rejoice and the good and the bad!

King of hearts

It’s been a while since I’ve posted…it’s been a while since I’ve felt like I had anything to say, or that it mattered. I come today literally on the light rail…it’s been a while since I’ve done this too. I come immediately after a test in anatomy, which I am amazed to say, I didn’t stress out over…not once. Anyway, the test was over the physiology of the blood and heart, so that’s what I want to talk about.

Somehow over time, by some power of linguistics that I am completely unable to understand, we as a society and I think as a world have developed two types of meanings of the word “heart”. We could take it in the literal sense, as in the actual organ in your chest that is keeping you alive; or a more common use of the word is a more spiritual sense that corresponds with the word “soul”. And yet another sense of a “heart” is the symbolic representation of love….wow you gotta love the English language for having one word mean so many things. Anyway, I’m going to talk about hearts today, it may be long cuz I have a lot of juices flowing in my brain, so we’ll see how it goes!

So about a week ago in my anatomy lab, I held a human heart in my hands. Obviously it wasn’t alive, it was a cadaver, but still it made me think… I thought of the lyrics to Phil Wickham’s “Safe.” It says “you will be safe in His arms, you will be safe in His arms, cuz the hands that hold the world are holding your heart.” Now, I’m pretty sure he wrote this lyric in the spiritual sense that I mentioned earlier, but right now I want to picture this physically…our hearts, literally our live, beating hearts in God’s hands. Think of what the heart does…it pumps the blood throughout our body to nourish it, to really supply our physical bodies with life. Clinically, you are pronounced dead when your heart stops…biblically, “the life of a creature is in the blood…” (Lev 17:11). Thus, we can conclude that the heart=life...So I picture my heart in God’s hands, with Him squeezing it every time it pumps, every squeeze a gift, an act of love, giving me life. I think of when I would hold my mom’s hand growing up, every time she would squeeze my hand 3 times…it was her way of saying “I love you”. That’s what I think of when God pumps our hearts; He gives us life to show us just how much He loves us.

Now apart from the physical, He still holds our lives in His hands. He holds our hearts and our souls and our lives. So, along with the sqeezing, I see Him sort of cradling our hearts as protection and comfort. The Bible says He is our refuge, our safe place. Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." It also says numerous times that we can find peace and comfort in the Lord and that He has a plan for our lives. Psalm 48:14 "For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end." In holding our hearts, He also gives us strength Psalm 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." All of these and so much more are evident as Christ is in our lives, holding our hearts (souls). I find this completely refreshing :)

Moving on, as I stood there with that heart in my hands all preserved with chemicals and dead (sorry to be blunt), I thought, that’s just it…its dead. The whole purpose of a heart is to give you life, but without blood and without a heartbeat, this heart had a limited purpose. All that it could do was teach me the anatomy of the heart; I couldn’t learn how it works without seeing it in action, all I could learn is where each part of the heart was. It’s like that with God. Allow me to explain, before we follow Christ, we are dead in sin; our hearts are simply that of a cadaver. Our purpose in life is limited, our knowledge in life is limited without Christ. Through Christ our heart beats, through Christ we have life and purpose and knowledge and love and peace and the list goes on… Looking at from researcher’s view, at one point in time they had to analyze a beating heart in order to understand how it works. These people are able to be enlightened through observing a living heart, just like we need Christ to truly understand this life and gain knowledge of the truth. We are alive in Christ, His spirit lives in us so that we may truly live, our hearts are beating through Him.

And of course, hearts are symbolic of love...how this has come to be, I don't know, but I'm guess it was catapulted with the invention of Valentine's day... anyway if you didn't know by now, God's love is pretty spectacular, nay stupendous, nay indescribable! To literally sacrifice your son for a bunch of sinners...I mean, thats huge! I find it interesting that sometimes we settle for earthly love, love that is tainted and short-lived. Now obviously I'm not saying that love is a bad thing, I mean I firmly believe that God placed us on this earth to be in relationship with each other and that he has someone planned for me who I will one day fall in love with and spend my life with (I am indeed a romantic)...I just feel like sometimes we let our physical earthly love get in the way of our view of God's love, we put our trust in human beings rather than God. And I think, no I know cuz I've been there, that this leads to a tremendous amount of hurt in the end. This creates heartbreak which again has both physical and emotional ties to the heart. Not only is a broken heart an emotional feeling, but there are indeed physiological effects. Now, I consider these effects to be in the heart but obviously there are many systems at work. Its similar to the feeling you get when you are anxious or stress, the pain in your chest as your heartbeat increases and your breathing gets harder. It's not fun but it definitely shows that the Lord's love far outweighs the heartbreak we find when we put our trust in humans.

His love never fails as He is holding our hearts :)

Calm before the storm

I sit here on the eve of a new semester bored, not knowing what to do. I should be at peace, having at this very moment no obligations. After all, I just spent the last five hours or so doing nothing but puzzles, watching Gossip Girl, and occasionally picking up my guitar and playing a chord or two, all in an attempt to enjoy a peaceful afternoon. And that it was. However peaceful this afternoon was, I now feel uneasy. I feel the anxiety of school already and my semester doesn't start for another 13 hours. Why is that? According to one of my classes last semester, stress is the state of being overwhelmed, but anxiety is the state of being overwhelmed with a sense of impending doom...If I'm already anxious it shows that I see school as a bad thing, as some sort of obstacle standing in my way that is sure to result in my failure. Psychologically this idea is seriously screwed up. First of all, I have never had a problem in school as far as grades and retaining the information goes; so why should I be afraid? Why should I see school as the Big Bad Wolf? Second of all, if I am so afraid of school, why am I in it anyway? Why can't school be more like Little Red Riding Hood, all sweet and innocent? She could be my best friend :) Why do I see school as a dreaded task? Why can't I see it as an opportunity to learn and grow? And now I ask myself why am I asking so many questions in this post? Anyway, the point is, I really want to get it right this semester...by "it" I mean life. I want to be excited about where I am at and what I am doing. I want to take advantage of the opportunities set before me and not see them as burdens. Wow I believe Jason talked about this a few weeks ago, seeing stuff as opportunities not burdens.... haha cool that thought just occured to me. Anyway, that is my goal this semester, to live life joyfully and with good intentions and just see where it goes... I believe that is called living by the Spirit. Look it up in Galatians ;)

Hate to Love

I confess...I have this guilty obsession with Chick Flicks! Every since I was little, I have fallen in love with the idea of lovee, at least with the kind of love presented to me in the movies. Even though all Romantic Comedies are basically the same stereotypical stories filled with the cheesy one liners and some crazy adventure that never happens in real life, even though I can basically predict how every story will pan out, I find myself captivated by this ideal love, this fairy-tale ending. I could write a whole post about how the media has twisted my view of romance and relationships, but I shall refrain for I have other matters I wish to discuss... (as I wrote that last part of the sentence, I imagined it in a British accent. So if you wish to do so, reread it now as if it were British haha). Anyways what I really want to talk about, is the love/hate relationship which seems to be ever so present in the recent romances I've seen. What I mean is the couple that ends up in love always seems to start of hating each other, and all of a sudden they realize how madly in love they are. So I always thought to myself, why? Why hate in order to love? Is that really how it works, I just need to extremely loathe some guy so much so that I will finally fall in love and live happily ever after? This doesn't make sense...at least it didn't until I thought deeper...

You can't have something unless you have some kind of opposite to compare it to. We talked about this in one of my classes last year, some philosopher thought of it. If you are confused, I will attempt to explain it in terms of love and hate (emphasis on the word "attempt"). You can't know love or define it unless you know what love isn't. To fully define something means you have to eliminate what it is not to eventually narrow it down to what it is. Hate is what love is not, so you must understand hate to fully appreciate love. The two cannot exist without each other. The idea of love would have a completely different meaning without some knowledge of hate. Imagine if you had never experienced hate in your life and you had only love, would you not then expect love and accept it as ordinary? Would you not then devalue love in a way? Without the horrors of hate, love would be meaningless in a way; we would not be able to appreciate it. I apologize for this whole philosophical idea that seems to be going in circles. I seem to be unable to articulate this concept...basically, everything has an opposite which truly defines what it is not so that we can fully know what it is...

Moving on... I don't think we can truly experience the love of God until we have experienced and recognized hate that comes through our sin. We must hate, to love. We must hate ourselves, we must hate the sin in our lives so much so that we kill it in order to live in Christ. This isn't purely my thoughts or ideas, it's backed up in the Bible. Romans 6:11-12 says "In the same ay, count yourselves as dead to sin but alive in ChristJesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey it's evil desires." Also, in Romans 12:9 it says "...Hate what is evil; cling to what is good." Therefore, since we hate evil and sin is evil, we must hate the sin in ourselves that we may become dead to sin to fully experience life and love in Christ. Here is a little diagram:

hate-->evil-->sin-->dead-->alive in Christ-->love

We must have so much hate and experience it and know what it is to fully appreciate the love that Christ gives through His grace.

I experienced this recently, the whole hate to love thing. I won't go into details, but this blog is not just words to me anymore. It's not just getting my ideas out and not acting and pressing forward. From now on there will be action.

Anyways, sorry if this is a confusing, philosophical topic that is poorly explained. I hope I got the point across... Yay for chick flicks!